deepundergroundpoetry.com
Shower to the Bed
They was showering together, while the
water ran on you both, his dick was so
hard- pressing against her pussy, her
pussy throbbing from the hardness of
his dick.
He turned her around and bent her over,
as the warm water ran down her back and
into her ass, he could feel it hit the top
of his dick as he slowly stroked it in and
out of her wet pussy.
Her pussy was cumming over and over again.
Only arousing him more and more.
She took his dick out and begin to suck it like
it was the best dick she ever tasted. He could
feel her tongue all under his nuts. Which made
him want to taste his baby back.
He brought her from the shower to the bed without
even drying off. Laid her down, flipped her legs
back until her pussy and ass was turned up to him.
He licked from her ass to her pearl.
When he felt his baby about to come, he put his
hot dick back inside her so he could feel her hot
wet juices all over his dick. The feeling of her hot
wet pussy made him cum harder and longer then he's
ever came before.
water ran on you both, his dick was so
hard- pressing against her pussy, her
pussy throbbing from the hardness of
his dick.
He turned her around and bent her over,
as the warm water ran down her back and
into her ass, he could feel it hit the top
of his dick as he slowly stroked it in and
out of her wet pussy.
Her pussy was cumming over and over again.
Only arousing him more and more.
She took his dick out and begin to suck it like
it was the best dick she ever tasted. He could
feel her tongue all under his nuts. Which made
him want to taste his baby back.
He brought her from the shower to the bed without
even drying off. Laid her down, flipped her legs
back until her pussy and ass was turned up to him.
He licked from her ass to her pearl.
When he felt his baby about to come, he put his
hot dick back inside her so he could feel her hot
wet juices all over his dick. The feeling of her hot
wet pussy made him cum harder and longer then he's
ever came before.
Published 23rd Jul 2011
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Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 5:56am
Hi, welcome to DU.
Your opening strophe kinda throws the reader off.
[They was showering together] This is very improper grammar. 'was' needs to be 'were'.
[while the
water ran on you both,] You switch verb tenses here, and again here [his dick was so
hard- pressing against her pussy, her]. For continuity and ease of reading you might go back through, making sure you are consistent.
I saw many repetitive words. To pack more of a punch and keep your audience aroused, try using different synonyms. That way the reader is building up and panting by the end.
Your opening strophe kinda throws the reader off.
[They was showering together] This is very improper grammar. 'was' needs to be 'were'.
[while the
water ran on you both,] You switch verb tenses here, and again here [his dick was so
hard- pressing against her pussy, her]. For continuity and ease of reading you might go back through, making sure you are consistent.
I saw many repetitive words. To pack more of a punch and keep your audience aroused, try using different synonyms. That way the reader is building up and panting by the end.
24th Jul 2011 7:27am
Ok thanks for the advice even though I'm just writing and not trying to turn anybody on. But thank you so much for the advice, it's very appreciated.
