Hide and Seek

I am broken.
This is not a boast
Or an opinion.
This is a cold hard fact.

Five.

But how can I look my mother
In her eyes and tell her
That I've been dead inside
Since I was a young boy?

How do I go through life
Knowing that at any second
The darkness could come right
Through my doors and into
My house with no regard of whether
Or not I had visitors over or
Even care if I was even home.

Four.

The darkness is a monster.
It will feed on the hatred you have
In your heart and it will vomit
That hatred back up all over you
Until you are covered from head to toe
In self loathing.

I remember when I was a boy
I was playing hide and seek
With some of my friends.
And whenever I had to search,
I could never find anyone.

Three.

That is how my life feels
Except it is a game that I play alone
But it is not fun. It is scaring the hell
Out of me. I am always the one
Who has to search, but I am also the
One who is hiding
And, boy, I must've picked a real good
Hiding spot because I have been
Searching for 11 fucking years
And I still can't find myself.

Two.

And since I can't find myself
I cannot answer the questions
That I ask myself night after night.
Why am I like this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I function like a normal
Fucking person.

One.

I am lost. I am missing.
And I am a wreck.
But, like any mess
I know I can be cleaned up
And fixed and polished
And I can shine once again.

And I will. I just need to find myself
So I can start working on myself.

Ready or not, here I come.