What are we doing?

Like, what are we doing?  
We said forever so many times we forgot to actually believe in it.  
We turned into something so wicked and cruel.  
I left you without giving you a reason at all.  
When you were the only one trying to keep our brutal love above water.  
My mistake was wanting it to drown.  
Cause my gut told me, we wouldn't last.  
My gut told me you'd one day realise i wasn't everything you need.  
You'd get up and walk out that door,  
Leave me with my heart buried in the floor.  
So I cut the strings and set you free.  
And expected your feelings for me never to leave.  
I was a coward to save my own feelings,  
I rather you hurt than I.  
But I never prepared myself for the things you would do out of hurt.  
Nights you'd spend at mine,  
You'd listen to everything I had to say and you'd even give me head.  
But when you wanted me to listen, I'd give you the cold shoulder.  
And I don't blame you for not giving a fuck.  
Every night I'd taste rum on your lips,  
I ignored the signs.  
So you'd spend nights with him and when I realised what was happening.  
My heart, it broke.  
And all I wanted was to die.  
But I refused to try for you cause it was all about me.  
Didn't you know?  
it was all about me.  
So i'd bring my ego to the surface and I'd let the memories of our love fade from my mind.  
Cause you were out fucking with him.  
And then you started fucking with my friend?  
And I'd bring back your mistakes a million times.  
Over and over again,  
Cause I can't accept it.  
You were the one holding us up.  
And I was the one bringing us down.  
The fire in your heart has been tamed,  
I try everything to make it burn brighter than ever.  
But I've lost.  
   
   
Here we are again,  
1300kms between us and I still can't forget about you.  
Now we won't last and thats the hurtful truth.  
The truth you tell me over and over again,  
Cause we've switched roles.  
And this is my karma for not realising sooner.  
But I have nothing to offer,  
I'm stubborn, proud and I never budge.  
Broke and all we have to hold onto is love and words.  
Tears I taste just waiting for the enviable.    
But I'll take the hurt that you felt back then,  
I'll fuck up like you did back then.  
I'll let you shake my brain until I puke.  
And I'll stand back while you move on and do all the things you should have done with me.  
If I were the right one.  
Chase the dream while its still alive.  
I'm sorry I'm wasting your time.  
   
   
   
Nikolas J Tucker