Little Did I Know

I loved a boy once
A boy in the perfect guise of a man
A boy who began by visiting me after class
This boy would open doors for me
He'd make me laugh and giggle all day
He used to say I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen
We'd sit all night and he'd look right into my eyes
As I talked about my fathers abuse and lies
He used to kiss my hands and hold my face close
He told me nobody would ever hurt me again
Little did I know
I fell in love with a boy
He'd pick me up and we'd go on mini road trips
We'd sit on the hood of his grandmas car and look up at the starry sky
While we talked about Gods, the ultraterrestrial and how we must have met in a past life
He'd play me Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" and tell me he saw no future without me
Those nights he'd hold me so close that I swear I could breathe him in
He tasted like morning dew and smelled like the wet soils of Africa
Those nights he said he loved me, "I love you Empress", a thousand times over
I believed him
Little did I know
We used to dance at the devils hour, to Norah Jones
See we were weary to our bones
Sleep sometimes escaped us for weeks
We were both fighting a darkness that threatened to engulf us whenever we parted
I was addicted to him and he me
I completed him and he completed me
We held each other up, we were strong for each other
But little did I know
Suddenly in the midst of our dreams and plans
He armed himself with blades and grenades and hurled them at our union
He gave me no fore warning
I woke up the next morning knowing
Pieces of me were no more
There were blades in my  back and where I knew my heart to be was a blackened scar
This boy loved me one day and hated me the next
This boy loved me only when it suited him
Yet I stayed because I thought that was what love was about
I couldn't abandon him when he needed me most
I had to show him that love conquers all
Plus he'd promised me that he'd tell me when he fell out of love
But little did I know
People don't usually keep their promises
I stayed on, blaming myself for things I did not know
I kept on loving a boy whom I did not exist to
Yet every night he'd mount and ride me like a horse
And I still believed that would make him love me again
But little did I know
Because every morning I ceased to exist all over again
He was preoccupied with his phone,
Never answering calls, texting and giggling to the break of dawn
The boy couldn't even sit in the same room as me
I had enough
He'd reduced me to sneakiness because he lacked honesty
He was in the shower when I went through his phone
I think he wanted me to see
To see the endless lists of dirty conversations with other.. Men
I said "Baby we can fix this", I don't know what I meant
Fix a relationship that had clearly been a cover up or fix his sexuality?
What was I thinking?
He said "Have you no dignity or self respect?"
I crumbled, how could this man.. This boy, do this to me?
What had I done to deserve this?
I'd given him all of me completely only to be betrayed in the worst way
I felt dizzy, thank God I was sitting
I wanted to scream and throw things at him
But my throat had closed up, my heart stopped beating and rigamortis had set in
That night I packed my bags and lay in his bed for the last time
He came in and mounted his horse,
I had no strength to fight or protest
I just lay there unbelieving the cruelty of the man, the boy, I loved so completely
He said he was sorry, I can't fathom what for
Sorry wasn't going to make my love go away
Sorry wasn't going to glue my heart back together
Sorry wasn't going to reverse what he'd done
I still can't believe it
Dare I ever love a boy