Looney tune

I've finally had a chance to settle down since my third suicide attempt. I can't believe I didn't notice the warning signs and now that I've had a third chance to live life I'll try not to make the same mistake.

I spent almost 2 weeks in a nut house and about 3 days in the hospital. I still hear the tires of my car screeching towards the highway shoulder. The tumbling of the tires and the engine as the rocks banged past my doors. The sudden sound of air pressure as the bags deployed in the front seats of my cruiser. The sudden lifting of my body and the scraping of my back against the center console.....

Flashes of my eyes opening and my hand reaching for my box cutter as people stopped and chased my car down the hill. My mind kept running on sudden bursts of energy of what I imagine as a combination of adrenalin and crystal meth. I remember thinking split second after second that this time I wouldn't fail, I used my knowledge of human anatomy and went straight for the artery in my left arm, swiping three times as precise as I could be. The people coming quicker and the blood imitated sprinklers as I flexed for final release.

The raising of my chin and the sudden closing of my eyes. At this very moment I remember seeing myself in the mirror and slice by slice I cut my throat in hopes my life was done. The blood wouldn't leave my body quick enough so I took off running up onto the canyon near by, where I finally ran out of energy and almost  passed out in a tumble weed near by. I layed there....gasping for air with ever little bit of energy I had left...I must have traumatized the people who finally found me. They couldn't believe they found me...

I was more lucky then any cat and 9 lives. A man with three lives and still no god sufficed..I'm grateful that I lived but now I live a life of flash backs and sudden shakes that chase me day and night.

The nut house I checked into after the hospital seemed a little over the top to me for my attempt. I was sharing meal time with schizophrenic people and forgetful alzheimer's patients and the repeat of meet and greats made my stay seem eternal. I felt out of place but some what like I fit in...

I think the weirdest moment was realizing what I had done....how crazy it was and that I really needed treatment and help. I had really fucked myself....and this was how I was going to learn how to survive myself. I may be heartless at this point...but that doesn't mean I cannot love. I love life and all its worth, I just needed a tune to sing it too. Man I felt a little Looney but accepting it's the tune...