I Thought I Was Safe

When I heard the news.
God, when I heard the news,
I cried.
I cried wholly and deeply.
If you can't understand why,
That's fine.
I don't expect you to understand.
To understand what it is like growing up
Without defence.
My ears were filled with horror stories.
I grew up with stories of a dead boy
Nailed to a fence.
Suicide after suicide on the news.
And I watched with gutwrenching guilt
I was comfortably silent.
Silent on the issue and silent of myself.
The guilt never left me but to be honest,
My shut mouth was reliant.
It all became too much and the façade fell.
I couldn't stay silent, it was too heavy...
Heavy like lead.
Each and every time I kept quiet. But then
I stepped out from behind the curtain,
My heart felt dead.

Now I'm an adult and I felt impervious.
A grown man can't be nailed to that fence,
And I began to live.
My heart was alive again and my eyes light.
I felt safe and secure in myself, in the world
My trust to give.
That suffocating closet and all its thorns
Seemed so distant. A bloody nightmare,
A near forgotten sleep.
And I put my all into this fine world.
My heart was charity, I didn't need return
It was Humanity's keep.

I watched the news all yesterday.
I sat and watched like when I was a boy.
Over fifty nailed to the fence.
Have you felt the glass world around you
Even just once in your life?
Over fifty nailed to the fence.
None of them were kids this time.
All were adults just like me, "impervious."
Over fifty nailed to the fence.

That. That is why I cried.
I thought I was safe.