Inquisitive Me

Last night I overheard a conversation
One between my lover and himself
Or possibly with God
But being the inquisitive person that I am
I felt compelled to listen

So I scooted down
And pressed my ear to the door
Which was slightly ajar
And I listened
As he began

I listened to him confess how much he truly loves me
And wishes I would understand
Deep down he has always wanted what I wanted
But his life was too complicated to give me that

He talked about the hurt he has felt
And pain he has endured throughout the years
And relationships he has had that has scarred him
Rendering him with so much fear

He expressed his fear of losing me
And why he keeps his distance
Scared that I too will one day leave him
And he can’t endure that pain

He confessed all his dreams and his plans
And the fact it all included me
He talked about how bad he wants to share with me
All of what he feels inside toward me
And why things played out the way it has
And why he took the road he did
But, he can’t
He has trouble expressing his deepest emotions
But he did in fact do all he needed to do
Behind the scenes
He just couldn’t tell me
As a way to protect him and me

He talked about being worried
That I may not fully understand him
And could I love the different sides to him
Or would it make me run
After he was totally invested

He went on about him needing to maintain
A sense of freedom
Regardless of the situation
And believes I won’t try to take that away
But fear has him believing the total opposite

I heard him say
He has wanted me from the very beginning
And how he used to watch me as I walked by
Oblivious of his presence
And how secretly he plotted
And intuitively he knew he would one day have me
And make me his wife

He mentioned that from the very beginning
He felt he wanted to be with me forever
He wanted to marry me and have a family with me
And we would be traveling partners
Exploring the world together
But doubt
Caused him to pull back
His insecurities played tricks on him
Had him wondering if I was like the rest

He went on to talk about the peace he feels
Whenever he is close to me
And how it calms that beast within him
Where he is actually sweet

He said he loves the way I nurture and spoil him
And how he could never verbally tell me so
I make him feel so vulnerable
It’s a feeling he doesn’t recognize
So he doesn’t know how to deal with it right
And because of the depth of those feelings
He can’t help but be scared
Of what the outcome would be
Because if I walked away
That would just devastate him
And turn his world upside down
And he can’t afford that

As I kept listening intently
I couldn’t help but sigh
Tears welled up in my eye
And my heart melted
Filled with so much love
Compassion and understanding
I just wanted to burst in the room and grab him
Kiss him all over
And hug him so tight
Letting him know I understood
And intuitively I always knew
And that’s why I tried my best over the years
To prove his fear wrong
But I couldn’t move
I was stuck in that space on the floor
Nudged between the wall and a cracked door

I didn’t want him to feel exposed
Because then he would recant
What he had just spoken
As if it was all a lie
And swear he feels the opposite
Of all he uttered with his mouth
Just to keep it a secret
How much he truly loves me
And in fact wants me in his life forever

Somewhere in his mind he believes
I would use that information to my advantage
Rendering him vulnerable
Left without protection
Heart exposed
And he just can’t endure another blow
For that would surely take him over the edge
And he is too old to try again
And mend back broken pieces of a shattered heart

And so there we both were
Feeling the same way
But on two different sides of the door
Both dealing with the same fears
And the same longings
And both having the same depth of love

But neither one willing
To completely open that door
Saying “I knew you always knew what it was
I’m sorry it took me so long
But this is what I feel
This is what I want
This is what you mean to me
And I can’t afford to ever lose you
Sorry if you felt I have neglected you
But this time
I openly confess
Letting you know the depth of how I feel
And that joined together we would make a great team
How about it
Let’s be officially an us”

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