deepundergroundpoetry.com
I must be on cocaine
You play in my head like a scratched record,,
I have to question my own sanity,
Are you someone I thought up?
Or is this going to end up like it always does?
I wait around all day just to see you,
To Kiss your soft lips,
Run my hand over yours.
To lay my head on your chest.
I want you so bad,
You make my heart feel as if a boa constrictor is wrapped around it.
Everyday that I don't see you,
Is another bullet in my temple.
I feel like I just snorted coke,
The way I feel when I'm around you.
But when you leave,
The sour drain in the back of my throat kicks in.
I go through withdraw when you are gone.
I have to question my own sanity,
Are you someone I thought up?
Or is this going to end up like it always does?
I wait around all day just to see you,
To Kiss your soft lips,
Run my hand over yours.
To lay my head on your chest.
I want you so bad,
You make my heart feel as if a boa constrictor is wrapped around it.
Everyday that I don't see you,
Is another bullet in my temple.
I feel like I just snorted coke,
The way I feel when I'm around you.
But when you leave,
The sour drain in the back of my throat kicks in.
I go through withdraw when you are gone.
Published 15th Jul 2011
| Edited 16th Jul 2011
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15th Jul 2011 3:33pm
You obviously have powerful emotions to draw from, you need to use those emotions even more. When I read things like "you make my chest hurt" (S3L2) I can't help but feel that it's rather understated. A bad case of bronchitis makes my chest hurt too, but you need to find a more expressive way to illustrate the agony of your pain.
I think you have a typo in your last line, it should read "Withdrawal".
I liked the line "The sour drain in the back of my throat kicks in." but I would say you don't need to capitalize the T since it's not a new sentence. In fact, in my opinion that's true anywhere you have a comma and the sentence runs on to the next line.
It's not a bad poem, I'd like to feel more, really try to get to the reader to share in your anguish.
Welcome to DUP and good luck with your writings.
I think you have a typo in your last line, it should read "Withdrawal".
I liked the line "The sour drain in the back of my throat kicks in." but I would say you don't need to capitalize the T since it's not a new sentence. In fact, in my opinion that's true anywhere you have a comma and the sentence runs on to the next line.
It's not a bad poem, I'd like to feel more, really try to get to the reader to share in your anguish.
Welcome to DUP and good luck with your writings.
16th Jul 2011 5:10am
Yeah I'm not a writer but it seems to help with my stress. I appreciate your pointers and compliments. Thank you.
