mother may I

Mother of mine, my mother. Remember when the Dr said I'd not recover. I know you miss who would now be my brother. Then again his death was  the reason you had another. Your Miracle baby, I remember you called me that. Dr said my heart was shit, wouldnt reach ten or even close to that. Well I guess God had different plans. A black sheep in the pasture stands out. Like a black eye and busted tooth in one of my first bouts. You always worried and couldn't help that. I made many decisions to truly test that. You tried to protect what you couldn't. There came an age where I just wouldn't. Church and it's teachings were directed in good faith. Its not your fault that I never believed in religious ways. Patience isn't my strongest point. But because of you I sit down,relax and smoke a joint. Your honeymoon with Jack off to Reno, Vegas or some place like that.. And after I got popped you rushed back. Told me I was grounded, remember what I said, Fuck  that. You told me I could do what I wanted. But to give you the respect and keep you un haunted. I still remember that day when you were crying in my bed. I'd just got grounded but a few words later said my father was dead.  I never knew how much you cared. Until you showed me what you dared. Them pigs would always lock me up. You threw money on my books and always showed up. When I was on the run you didn't turn me in with those guns. You tried so hard to give me something. I returned the favor by gang violence and hustling. You protected my money and even smuggled money into prison, we got busted. You wanted me to be great. Too bad shooting dope and loving crime would be two of my greats. Do I feel embarrassed I do quite a bit. I'm sorry for more than I can tell you and that's no bull Shit. You were so believing. And I wad misleading. Poor as fuck but always provided love and always stayed tough. Five failed marriages and buckets of tears. From a baby to a man in just a few years. I would die for you if it was needed. I'd wait at the gates of heaven and would stay seated.   I would tell you I love you then I'd walk through with you. To let you know that I was more than you thought. And if I'm sounding ridiculous. That's not my fault. Its my one and only life and what I keep in a vault. You may never understand why I never became a Better man. All I can say is that I still do stand. A criminal drug abusing addict, at least society has yet to label me a faggot . I doubt you would Care what I did. As long as I was happy you would remind  me as a kid. You always say my poetry seems to be dark. I always disagree and say your missing the biggest part. I may argue a little until I win. You can question my life and carry the burdens of my sins. I'd rather not try but here I go. I'm only missing you and hope it shows. I lie to you when you ask me how things are going. Not because I'm a prick, for bad news in my opinion is not worth knowing.. My mental health is not the best or the worse. And you know what I believe about being cursed. Your my mother and I wouldn't want no other. One regret of mine is that I shot you down when you started to hover. I think I owe you more than a reason. But I hope your fine with an apology as I justify my idiology. You are one of my  best friends and like most I will defend. You are missed and I love you more than I could pretend. I'm not doing much better today. I'm a struggling man and one who doesn't pray. I know you think I'm a little crazy. Just hope you don't blame yourself when I'm pushing up daisies  For the miracle baby you thought wouldn't make it. Is thinking of you as an angel and how you allowed me to shake it. Truthfully and convinced beyond a reasonable doubt. That life was ok when I had you to protect my route. Now I travel roads unknown. I put my self in danger and more than what's shown. You never judge and you never want to know. I guess you learned to protect what wasn't yours to hold. My mother, mother of mine. From the man you call your son that was never expected to grow or shine. 36 years old, an addict a felon and no kids of my own. I hope that you know I never meant to harm, shun or disappoint you. I'm only being real and lifting my self guilt here before you. You may worry so do what you do. Pray and ask god to give you strength for me and you. Dedicated to you mom and I miss and love. From the depths of hell to the heavens above.


Dedicated to my mother Rebecca, you truly have no idea how much I care miss love and feel for all I have done, what I haven't done and what I failed to do for you. Thank you for always excepting the one person in your life that gave you many rides to hell, and could never give you a ride to heaven. Love you and missing you since the last time we saw each other, hopefully life will afford us another. Smoooooch