Letters I'll never send day 2

Tuesday May 10th 1:20 am

I know you were never physically with me, but i miss you so much and everything feels so empty and lonely. I miss falling asleep with you and hearing Olive snore. I miss you so fucking much it hurts. I can't take this. I need you so fucking much. Only you can make things better. But will you? And how long will it take if you do?

1:45am


I keep expecting you to wake up and call me anytime. I miss you and need you so fucking much. I love you MaryAnn Lane. Work made me miss you so much. All i wanted was to talk to you about it. I managed not to cry all day...until lunch. I started crying and I couldn't control it no matter how hard i tried. And now laying in bed I started crying again. I wish you were here so badly. Why did you have to leave? I can't understand...Did I suck at being your girlfriend? Did I make you feel bad with anything I wrote in my last letters? This not knowing is killing me. I don't understand. I just don't. And I wish you would tell me what really happened. Because it just doesn't make sense...

11:00am

I woke up and checked my phone and no message from you. My heart sank. I debated a moment and decided to message you. To my surprise, you answered. It was brief since your bus shortly arrived. But you saying you still wanted me in your life made me feel a tiny bit better. It's not answers but it's something. I'm hoping if I give you a little time you will tell me the whole truth. I'm begining to wonder if I will send this letter after all. Because I don't know how else to ask all those questions rattling around my brain. But I also don't know if it will end up pushing you away further or get you to really talk to me. And I wonder if you miss me, like I miss you. Have you cried because of it like me? Is it mean or selfish to hope that you have?

noon

I know I really should eat, but no matter how hungry I feel, when I go to eat anything I just feel sick. I don't want to eat. I hate this. So fucking much. Yes I keep having thoughts about hurting myself and even suicide. I just don't think I can do this again. Deal with being rejected, especially not you. Because I truly love you and you really made me so very happy and I know you were not lying to me about that. And knowing I lost you, my one and only love, the one I know was meant for me. The only one who could ever be right for me, left. Without warning. Without a logical explanation. I'm so tired of wondering.


1:00pm

Literally everything reminds me of you. It makes my heart hurt. I just wish I could disappear... It's funny, not long before you decided to leave, my mom kept telling me how much she likes you and loves how you reciprocate everything and she can tell you really make me happy. So again, I really don't understand any of this at all MaryAnn. You wouldn't put so much time, effort and thought into me, and us, if you never really wanted this.