deepundergroundpoetry.com
Hero
I showed her a place in my arms,
there was clicking, a duet, alarms
A man stood by and gazed
his eyes moody and hazed
Nor noticing wanton agenda
ultimately woulda dependa
Never denied him then when
always would wonder when then
Deception and toil and grief
did harden this bedspread thief
A spiteful look, a verbal assault
nothing wasted or at fault
Vengeance lured itīs ugly head
in the morning it was dead
A settlement, a lamented affair
nothing crossed out or fair
A perpetual somber smiling glare
enduring, wishing devils dare
And all this on account of a flea
I showed her a place in my arms
there were shows, lights, alarms
I didn't notice any of it
there was clicking, a duet, alarms
A man stood by and gazed
his eyes moody and hazed
Nor noticing wanton agenda
ultimately woulda dependa
Never denied him then when
always would wonder when then
Deception and toil and grief
did harden this bedspread thief
A spiteful look, a verbal assault
nothing wasted or at fault
Vengeance lured itīs ugly head
in the morning it was dead
A settlement, a lamented affair
nothing crossed out or fair
A perpetual somber smiling glare
enduring, wishing devils dare
And all this on account of a flea
I showed her a place in my arms
there were shows, lights, alarms
I didn't notice any of it
Published 18th Apr 2016
| Edited 21st Apr 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 3
reads 704
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I really enjoy the recurring line
"I showed her a place in my arms"
there was clicking, a duet, alarms -i imagine ballroom dancing in the rain inside a gym ,fire alarms going off
hazed eyes, "Vengeance lured itīs ugly head
in the morning it was dead"- i Love the imagery turn here
"there were shows, lights, alarms
I didn't notice any of it" - i imagine a feast for the eyes
splendid poem Northern1
for an honest critique:
by far my favorite parts were the opening and closing lines
the three main stanzas didn't hook me as a reader quite as much as i wanted but it still turned a nice image and told a bit of a story.
just remember if you're happy with it, don't change a damn thing lol. i've always thought if you change a poem too much you loose that piece of time or memory that was intended.
"I showed her a place in my arms"
there was clicking, a duet, alarms -i imagine ballroom dancing in the rain inside a gym ,fire alarms going off
hazed eyes, "Vengeance lured itīs ugly head
in the morning it was dead"- i Love the imagery turn here
"there were shows, lights, alarms
I didn't notice any of it" - i imagine a feast for the eyes
splendid poem Northern1
for an honest critique:
by far my favorite parts were the opening and closing lines
the three main stanzas didn't hook me as a reader quite as much as i wanted but it still turned a nice image and told a bit of a story.
just remember if you're happy with it, don't change a damn thing lol. i've always thought if you change a poem too much you loose that piece of time or memory that was intended.
1st Dec 2017 7:06pm
Thank you very much for your detailed analysis, really appreciate it
Sometimes i post poems that are not quite ready yet and then edit them slightly, but i try not to do that and agree with you that often something is lost in the process
Sometimes i post poems that are not quite ready yet and then edit them slightly, but i try not to do that and agree with you that often something is lost in the process
1st Dec 2017 8:24pm
i very much do that same thing.i'll get excited post and then realize i have like 5 words misspelled or something totally out of context and be like "what the hell was i thinking?" lol.
