deepundergroundpoetry.com
So Very Rare
Love is rare
His love has stolen my heart
Looking in those deep dark eyes
So tender with love
Falling deeper and deeper into feeling all our own
Let our love endure forever
His tender kiss is all it takes
To set my heart a spin
Love this true is so very rare
His love has stolen my heart
Looking in those deep dark eyes
So tender with love
Falling deeper and deeper into feeling all our own
Let our love endure forever
His tender kiss is all it takes
To set my heart a spin
Love this true is so very rare
Published 8th Jul 2011
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comments 3
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
8th Jul 2011 3:32pm
Every line was cliche aside from this one: "Falling deeper and deeper into feeling all our own." That one was still dull but something could be done with it. Sliding deeper and deeper into unique feeling... Maybe tell a more specific story about that one line. Create vague characterisations and situations.
8th Jul 2011 4:15pm
My advice would be to take out the repetition of "love". Once you establish the poem is talking about love (which you do in the very first line), it gets very repetitive to say love is this, love is that, something, something love.
Along the lines of what Jack said, each line needs to tell a story of sorts. Your opening line would be more interesting if it said something like "Love is a orange grove in an apple orchard" (not that I'm suggesting you use this particular example). The point is, my example statement, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, has more depth to it than "love is rare".
Hopefully comments made here will help you rather than discourage you. I can assure you that is their intent (or rather then intent of the commentators).
Along the lines of what Jack said, each line needs to tell a story of sorts. Your opening line would be more interesting if it said something like "Love is a orange grove in an apple orchard" (not that I'm suggesting you use this particular example). The point is, my example statement, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, has more depth to it than "love is rare".
Hopefully comments made here will help you rather than discourage you. I can assure you that is their intent (or rather then intent of the commentators).
21st Sep 2011 3:19am
I love this poem so all it takes is one tender kiss and i set ur heart spinning. and my eyes are not that deep and dark are they
