Hedgehogs Know

 Hedgehogs a much maligned and misunderstood species
We are told by boffins that their name means spiky pig
as they are related to pigs and are prickly like hedges
The only truth in this is that they taste just like bacon
But only in their raw state, never try to deep fry them
It would be a bit like feeding a gremlin after midnight
Death and carnage would ensue to a disco backing track

We are told by boffins that hedgehogs curl up into a ball
when frightened and stay still hoping the danger goes away
On the contrary hedgehogs are the most dangerous animals
on the planet, they have no fear of anything or anyone
and rolling into a ball and extending their spikes is just the
first step they perform just before attacking their victims

In the rolled into the ball stance they launch themselves at
great speed, faster than a cheetah, and repeatedly stab their
target to death. They are able to disengage and jump ten feet
in the air and hurtle downwards again causing multiple punctures
Their spikes are filled with neurotoxins and are as strong as steel
A single hedgehog on the rampage has been known to kill a herd
of elephants in twenty two minutes, stopping for a short coffee break

They have been known to slaughter prides of lions, and mountain
gorillas by the bunch. This is usually blamed on human poachers
There are no human poachers these slaughters that you hear about
are all committed by hedgehogs, the authorities to scared to admit it
Hedgehogs are man-eaters who have a particular hatred for drivers
They lay across the road like stinger spike strips causing punctures
Then attacking the drivers when they emerge with their foot pumps
So the next time you see a flattened hedgehog on the road it’s not
dead, it is waiting in ambush, never I repeat never get out of the car
They know Kung Fu, or as they tend to call it Hog Fu or Spike Kwon Do
It is a little known fact that a Hog Fu Master hedgehog killed Bruce Lee

I am doing hedgehogs a disservice so far concentrating on their ferocity
They have intellect, making whales and dolphins look as stupid as tuna
They are well read in literature and philosophy they are expert engineers
and they find quantum physics and chaos theory is so easily understood
They write short fiction and factual guides on woodland food foraging
They write beautiful poetry and hedgehog haikus are second to none
Unlike humanity they have learned to look after and care for each other
Hedgehogs are full of pith and wit, their jokes are the stuff of legends
‘ Why did the hedgehog cross the road? – he wanted to see his flatmate’
They play the banjo, they can sing anything and have the voice of angels
If reincarnation is true I definitely want to come back as a hedgehog