maybe

I never said I was right
You never said I wasn't
You are my light even
though you've become dark
I  haven't ever expected to have you forgive me
I could be selfish and pray you'd forget
But just maybe your eyes never caught my regret
Just cause I always smiled when inside
I had totally died,and any burning tears I choked on
I'd hide deep inside I know you owe me nothing
And any shred I'll gladly take
Not cause I think I'm not worth more
But because you never asked to be born
I brought you here with the promise and intent
To give you all the love and security I was denied
I'd be over flowing with my own pride
To not honestly depict at parenting I was a derelict
Know all of life's roads are paved with good intentions
But I wasn't all bad , but hatefully you only seem to remember
The time just before I fell victim to addiction
I wasn't like a classic case , my high never came first
Until you went to live with your dad
I verbally berated me inwardly and out loud
I failed you and you sister and brother
I had a holy sanctified job to be a mother
I had only tried to give you a chance to have better
Whether you believe me or not
A lot of things I can't boast
But my word that's all I got
If it hadn't been for drugs warm embrace
I most definitely would have ended me
For doing you guys so wrong
My tear stained pillows my only witness
The despair that overtook me when the court doors closed
That day I didn't believe what had happened
Rocked the very ground I tread on
So I did everything I was supposed to but just not fast enough
So I jumped into a drug filled dilluge
I have only my scars to tell my story
And only your disdain rings in my ears
I can never atone in your mind or mine
For not doing everything better faster and being the parent you deserved
And I'm sorry so sorry and the only thing I'd redo if I could
I'd rewind and delete all the pain that made you blind
I'd do what I should but I can't so even if I would
All your hatred is there all your pain I can't erase
But through my recovery and gods grace maybe one day
You and I will forgive me......maybe...huh..