Four Times a Failure

i can really relate to this :/

Well...now we know we are not alone... I hope it gets better for you. Thanks for reading and commenting, Deadlypenguin.

Only 4? The thing about life is that failure is the best way to learn our limitations. Expectations ate a monster that lurks under the bed of success. I've been down the road of depression and suicidal desires so often over the last 33 years that it is the path most travelled by me, but still I am alive hoping to find the missing ingredient in life. I have a list of depressing poems I've written over the years that I won't recommend you read but reflect the feelings you express in this poem very closely. No need to bring you down with my own dark moments, but know that you are not alone and it's not always gonna be this gray...
JJ

Four is just the number of times I failed in academics, which is what I was good at and a big part of me. I feel that somehow part of my identity was ripped away from me. It's even more depressing when you know you can do better, but that better is because you're hypomanic, and no proper kind or amount of meds can give you that. I am young, and there are things that a child shouldn't have felt and seen, and it breaks you everytime the people you love scoff at your troubles, your fucked up brain, mocks you. I am at that point in life where everything could be a possibility. But my country's a bit stifling sometimes for my wild ideas. I'd say my life is less than vanilla. And...if you read some of my poems, I think you'll see that I'm longing, lonely, and full of teenage angst(ha!). Thank you for taking the time to read and comment...it makes me feel a little better that I have other people's nice words to get me through another day...

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I know exactly how you feel. I failed 12th grade English, even though it was my favorite class, and had to go to Summer School he graduate, but not with my class. Then I went to college where I failed. So I went to a second college, where I failed. Eventually I got a job as a Teacher's Aide in English at my old high school. So life can send you in circles you don't understand but you can still find good things in the mud if you're willing to get dirty. I didn't fail because I'm not intelligent, I failed because they didn't have the type of medication to overcome what was holding me down. Now I need a Psychiatrist to prescribe the only medication that can.
You are not alone! What country are you in? You fly no flag on your profile.
I am currently working on publishing my third book of poetry. People tell me I'm pretty good at it, but I still have feelings of inadequacy. I'm 53, never married and have a best friend called loneliness who doubles as my worst enemy. Did I mention that I know exactly how you feel?
Don't give up! In spite of everything, life is worth it...
JJ

I understand, sir, don't worry. I actually went to 2 universities where I was given a chance to get scholarships. Strangely, every August, a month before my birthday, I crash... I think we really have a lot in common. I am used to the mud, at times I even get the feeling of reveling in it. I also know the feeling of being spit on. Now, I'm hazy after my psychiatrist removed my antipsychotics, but like you said: worth it. I am 18, from what they call the Pearl of the Orient Seas, Philippines. Perhaps you heard about it from the Miss Universe debacle? Hahaha. People can be too conservative...traditional...stagnant? And we're a third world country... I love the warmth though, not just of the climate, but of the people. Hmm...I think I like the cold better. My writing...not many have read it except in DU, it seems like I'm another person here behind the glasses and cardigans.  They'd have a heart attack if they see it's lace! Hahaha. Here they see me as someone in her 20s or 30s which is crazy, but the way I feel sometimes. I long for freedom and adventure that I can't find in my country, and for people who understand, people who will read my very long comments(ha!). Relapse is a part of recovery, I know now, and maybe my first step would be to forgive myself. Thank you for your kind words and inspiration!

I guess we write so we can look back at this one day & know we got thru it.
you do this writing thing so well, & you'll keep on striving, because you are you...

Thank you, sir. The words I never forget, "I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am. I am. I am," and of course, the reason why I'd probably have red hair soon, "out of the ash I rise with my red hair, and I eat men like air," both by Plath. I believe that every person is a phoenix...but I guess we don't touch the fire enough. And well, I can barely keep up with being myself, imagine if I become someone else! Hahaha.

I stopped counting my failures... HeHe :-)

Eh, I lost count too, but the academic freak in me is pretty much a nagger and hard to handle. :) Thanks for commenting...

Wow, I can relate, really deep and personal. I love it.