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The broken-winged phoenix
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The broken-winged phoenix isn't dead, but nor is he reborn.
Indestructible weariness, faithful nemesis, mortal companion through the sweetness of nothingness.
Eternal paradox, prism with infinite facets diffracting the beams of the truth.
The blue becomes grey, the clear becomes pale.
The singed sands of time fall in slow motion.
And soon they fell no more.
The broken-winged phoenix isn't dead, but nor is he reborn.
And with its wings, has flown away his freedom.
The broken-winged phoenix isn't dead, but nor is he reborn.
Indestructible weariness, faithful nemesis, mortal companion through the sweetness of nothingness.
Eternal paradox, prism with infinite facets diffracting the beams of the truth.
The blue becomes grey, the clear becomes pale.
The singed sands of time fall in slow motion.
And soon they fell no more.
The broken-winged phoenix isn't dead, but nor is he reborn.
And with its wings, has flown away his freedom.
Published 14th Mar 2016
| Edited 21st Mar 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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I've tried my best to translate from a poem I've written in French, but I'm not sure how the result looks from an outside eye... For anyone who can read French, here is the original version :
Le phénix aux ailes brisées n'est pas plus mort qu'il ne renaît.
Indéfectible lassitude, fidèle némesis, compagnon mortel à travers la douceur du néant.
Eternel paradoxe, prisme aux facettes infinies diffractant les rayons de la vérité.
Le bleu devient gris, le clair devient pâle.
Le sable roussi s'égrène au ralenti.
Bientôt il ne tomba plus du tout.
Le phénix aux ailes brisées n'est pas plus mort qu'il ne renaît.
Et avec ses ailes, s'est envolée sa liberté.
Le phénix aux ailes brisées n'est pas plus mort qu'il ne renaît.
Indéfectible lassitude, fidèle némesis, compagnon mortel à travers la douceur du néant.
Eternel paradoxe, prisme aux facettes infinies diffractant les rayons de la vérité.
Le bleu devient gris, le clair devient pâle.
Le sable roussi s'égrène au ralenti.
Bientôt il ne tomba plus du tout.
Le phénix aux ailes brisées n'est pas plus mort qu'il ne renaît.
Et avec ses ailes, s'est envolée sa liberté.
13th Apr 2016 6:01am
23rd May 2016 9:33pm
Yeah.. In my opinion, there can various interpretations which, in the end, all converge to the same point : losing what makes you feel alive can be way harder than death. It makes you linger in a state of complete void, where the time seems to have completely stopped and there is not a single thing in your world that has the slightest importance anymore. There are the things from which you can recover, and there are the things that will leave you wounded, scarred for life, which make you lose a part of yourself you know you will never recover. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but you don't always want to grow stronger, not at that price. Sometimes you'd gladly give up this strength to preserve something else, because what's the point of being strong if you have nothing to be strong for ?
I could go on for ages talking about this, and if you want I'd be happy to explain the story behind my writing of this poem.
I could go on for ages talking about this, and if you want I'd be happy to explain the story behind my writing of this poem.
5th Jun 2016 2:46pm
To warp up. Boredom.
Such a Killer.
And yes, I am interested.
It's intriguing and the curious me itch to know.
Such a Killer.
And yes, I am interested.
It's intriguing and the curious me itch to know.
Alright.. I might say a lot of (somewhat) off-topic things, but I'm feeling very chatty today, so forgive me if I turn this comment into a novel.
First of all, you must know, there are two things I believe are more important than anything, and without which one can never truly bloom : Love, and Freedom. In any form, whatever form one feels the most in harmony with.
So here it goes : It all started 5 years ago. I was just a kid back then, no more than 14 years old. And, as you might have guessed, I fell in love. These words can't be any more cliché, but the very second I heard her delicate voice, felt her aura of endless strength and cleverness, laid my eyes on the oneiric golden hair running straight all the way down to her hypnotic hips, dived into her ocean blue eyes, I was already done for. I didn't know it at the time, how could I have, I didn't even know what love was, but I was in for the most saddeningly beautiful bitter-sweet journey, that still represents more than a quarter of my life to that day.
Anyway, I fell in love with this angel. But I wasn't worthy. I was weak, I was scared. And yet, she came to me. She wanted to be friends with me. Again, I didn't even know I was already in love with her yet. We started hanging out, just like any high-school friends, and the more time passed, the more we both felt compelled to eachother, by a powerful yet scary force. We spent every second we could together, and yet, I didn't have the strength to let my heart take over my brains, to let go of the fear. And she couldn't deal with the lingering. So, after months of an intense "almost-something-more-than-friendship", she decided to cut me off. Right after we spent the most beautiful couple of weeks, around Chicago for a school trip (I live in France), together all day everyday, and talking over facebook all night every night. Every waking second we both sought eachother, and when we eventually had to go back to France, that's when she cut me off. I went from the happiest I'd ever been, to the most miserable. Then summer came, and I let her be. I stopped insisting, I fed my mind with other things to think about.
From here, I'll spare you the details, because otherwise it'd take me days to relate everything, so I'll make the long story short. When we finally came back to school for the new year, she, obviously, had a boyfriend. They seemed very much happy, PDA over and over and over, and that was painful to see... But there wasn't much I could do, and honestly, I didn't even care, because we started talking to eachother again. Over time, we regained our closeness, we became these great friends again. And the more time passed, the more I learnt to see the truth : she wasn't happy with her boyfriend. To be honest, he was a jackass. Manipulative, and yet so fucking idiotic. Seriously, the more I heard his mouth utter dumb shit, the more I knew he had a few million neurons less than needed to think properly. But he had a talent for tricking people into guilt. And that's what he did to her over and over again, and I stood there, watching her cry, giving her my helping hand every single time I could. But she refused to hear the truth I kept repeating her. I saw her tortured and dark writings, punching ink into the pages of her schoolbooks until the words of sadness and guilt hid even the slightest trace of white. But I never gave up, and eventually (even though I still don't know today if I had anything to do with it), after two years, she let go of him. I was really happy for her, but it was the time where we went our separate ways. I wasn't worrying about her getting stuck with moron-guy forever, but I still didn't have the strength nor the will to go after her. I wasn't ready to experience the emotional roller-coaster again quite yet. High school was over, and once again, the summer put us apart.
From there... Honestly, I tried and managed to forget her, through raves, friendship, incalculable amounts of weed, and every kind of powder and pill you can think about. For a year, I was with a real family of friends, I grew a lot more than in the 16 or 17 years before then, I learned the values of confidence, of not giving a fuck, and a ton of other things. I learned to gage people, and most important of all, I learned the importance of being true and honest. And I forgot about her. My life went on, and I was happy again. I still had no reason to live, but I didn't need one. I just lived. Free. To the fullest. Almost. I just couldn't love. It's not that I didn't want to, it's not that I was consciously thinking about her or anything, I was just... Jaded. Not one girl seemed even remotely interesting. And even if I'd have found one, I'd probably have judged it wouldn't have been worth all the trouble. But the raving and pill-frenzy had to stop at some point, I had absolutely no will to stick in this world forever, and I and a few of my friends, got out in time. We ended up craving for purpose instead of drugs, so we quit that world for the, albeit boring comparatively, more adult world. So I entered college, stopped smoking weed all day everyday, keeping it only for rare occasions (because I'd never completely stop, I know it and I won't lie to myself about that, even if I had lung cancer or schizophrenia), met a lot of people, most of whom were uninteresting at best, but I met a few pearls.. Anyway, at that point, even though we had talked a few times, I was over her. And I was fine with it.
And that's when, two months after the beginning of the school year, I got a message. "Wanna hang out again ?", or something like it. I was glad she was still thinking about me, so I was okay with it, and I went to see her. I was really feeling detached, and I knew it wouldn't lead to anything more than just hanging out. Oh boy, was I wrong. I saw her... And it felt like a giant 20-inch thick metal door in my heart burst into pieces, opening the way to something that I only dreamed of. And with all I learnt, I knew, it was not only a dream anymore. I felt it the first 5 minutes we spent together, and she felt it aswell. We kept seeing eachother and talking and laughing, and in less than two weeks, we were finally together, as we were always meant to be. From there... Well, again, I don't want to get into the details too much to avoid reminiscing, but I can say that we were like one. We were, once again, seeking to be together every waking moment, and endlessly talking over the phone when we weren't physically together (which was like... No more than one day a week). We were happy, definitely. I felt life blooming in my gut, and I saw the glow in her eyes, I had, objectively, never seen her that happy, not ever. Not that she was that happy because she was with me, (I mean, she wasn't unhappy to be with either, but I wasn't the real reason behind her joy) but overall. She was feeling free, she had that characteristic glee, and she was even more happy to share it with me. That's how I knew it was perfect.
Approaching the third month of inseparable love, we went skiing, just the two of us. I had never skied before in my life, while she basically can go down any run, and I was so eager to learn with her. I won't lie, it was like I was in heaven. Everything was taking place in my life, I finally got that purpose I craved, I finally knew that my life had a meaning. These were three days of sheer happiness. Of freedom, and love. Of living. True, full and pure living. On the last day, having had the best teacher I could ever dream of, I could ski, well, not that great but I was doing okay, way better than I'd have expected after just three days. So we sped it up a bit. She opened the run, and I followed her. Once. Twice. Until a hidden bump in a tricky turn decided otherwise. I jumped uncontrollably, and upon landing, my left ski got stuck in the snow. My body kept on turning, but my leg stood still. I felt it make a complete turn before it got unstuck... Resulting in a ruptured ligament and a huge inflammation, edema, and the inability to walk or even put even the slightest pressure on my knee. So, after all the medical care and testing and what not, we went back to my house. She then got home, and here I was, lying in my bed, basically unable to move, feeling lonely. I wanted to talk to her, but for some reason she wasn't answering. So I sent her a disappointed message, then went to sleep. I woke up to a flurry of things she reproached me (we had only one "fight" before, even if it can't really be called that given how it went out, and these were basically the same things), so I answered, but there's only so much you can say by text, so I told her to come over and we'd talk about it NOT over the phone. She came, we talked, and even though things weren't definitely fixed, it seemed like it wouldn't get any worse. She stayed at home with me, after one or two days I could somewhat move with crutches so I was feeling rather fine considering, and that's when, out of the blue, she just told me she couldn't be with me anymore. Just like that. For the reasons aforementioned. I had nothing else to say, I had nothing to tell her to make her stay, I had no options. I was stuck in my bed, I couldn't even run after her to stop her from walking away from me. I was left there, lying, not really dead, but not alive either. In less than a week, I had lost my Freedom and my Love.
So, in a haze of weed and whiskey, I grabbed my laptop, and I started writing.
(God, writing can be so cathartic..)
First of all, you must know, there are two things I believe are more important than anything, and without which one can never truly bloom : Love, and Freedom. In any form, whatever form one feels the most in harmony with.
So here it goes : It all started 5 years ago. I was just a kid back then, no more than 14 years old. And, as you might have guessed, I fell in love. These words can't be any more cliché, but the very second I heard her delicate voice, felt her aura of endless strength and cleverness, laid my eyes on the oneiric golden hair running straight all the way down to her hypnotic hips, dived into her ocean blue eyes, I was already done for. I didn't know it at the time, how could I have, I didn't even know what love was, but I was in for the most saddeningly beautiful bitter-sweet journey, that still represents more than a quarter of my life to that day.
Anyway, I fell in love with this angel. But I wasn't worthy. I was weak, I was scared. And yet, she came to me. She wanted to be friends with me. Again, I didn't even know I was already in love with her yet. We started hanging out, just like any high-school friends, and the more time passed, the more we both felt compelled to eachother, by a powerful yet scary force. We spent every second we could together, and yet, I didn't have the strength to let my heart take over my brains, to let go of the fear. And she couldn't deal with the lingering. So, after months of an intense "almost-something-more-than-friendship", she decided to cut me off. Right after we spent the most beautiful couple of weeks, around Chicago for a school trip (I live in France), together all day everyday, and talking over facebook all night every night. Every waking second we both sought eachother, and when we eventually had to go back to France, that's when she cut me off. I went from the happiest I'd ever been, to the most miserable. Then summer came, and I let her be. I stopped insisting, I fed my mind with other things to think about.
From here, I'll spare you the details, because otherwise it'd take me days to relate everything, so I'll make the long story short. When we finally came back to school for the new year, she, obviously, had a boyfriend. They seemed very much happy, PDA over and over and over, and that was painful to see... But there wasn't much I could do, and honestly, I didn't even care, because we started talking to eachother again. Over time, we regained our closeness, we became these great friends again. And the more time passed, the more I learnt to see the truth : she wasn't happy with her boyfriend. To be honest, he was a jackass. Manipulative, and yet so fucking idiotic. Seriously, the more I heard his mouth utter dumb shit, the more I knew he had a few million neurons less than needed to think properly. But he had a talent for tricking people into guilt. And that's what he did to her over and over again, and I stood there, watching her cry, giving her my helping hand every single time I could. But she refused to hear the truth I kept repeating her. I saw her tortured and dark writings, punching ink into the pages of her schoolbooks until the words of sadness and guilt hid even the slightest trace of white. But I never gave up, and eventually (even though I still don't know today if I had anything to do with it), after two years, she let go of him. I was really happy for her, but it was the time where we went our separate ways. I wasn't worrying about her getting stuck with moron-guy forever, but I still didn't have the strength nor the will to go after her. I wasn't ready to experience the emotional roller-coaster again quite yet. High school was over, and once again, the summer put us apart.
From there... Honestly, I tried and managed to forget her, through raves, friendship, incalculable amounts of weed, and every kind of powder and pill you can think about. For a year, I was with a real family of friends, I grew a lot more than in the 16 or 17 years before then, I learned the values of confidence, of not giving a fuck, and a ton of other things. I learned to gage people, and most important of all, I learned the importance of being true and honest. And I forgot about her. My life went on, and I was happy again. I still had no reason to live, but I didn't need one. I just lived. Free. To the fullest. Almost. I just couldn't love. It's not that I didn't want to, it's not that I was consciously thinking about her or anything, I was just... Jaded. Not one girl seemed even remotely interesting. And even if I'd have found one, I'd probably have judged it wouldn't have been worth all the trouble. But the raving and pill-frenzy had to stop at some point, I had absolutely no will to stick in this world forever, and I and a few of my friends, got out in time. We ended up craving for purpose instead of drugs, so we quit that world for the, albeit boring comparatively, more adult world. So I entered college, stopped smoking weed all day everyday, keeping it only for rare occasions (because I'd never completely stop, I know it and I won't lie to myself about that, even if I had lung cancer or schizophrenia), met a lot of people, most of whom were uninteresting at best, but I met a few pearls.. Anyway, at that point, even though we had talked a few times, I was over her. And I was fine with it.
And that's when, two months after the beginning of the school year, I got a message. "Wanna hang out again ?", or something like it. I was glad she was still thinking about me, so I was okay with it, and I went to see her. I was really feeling detached, and I knew it wouldn't lead to anything more than just hanging out. Oh boy, was I wrong. I saw her... And it felt like a giant 20-inch thick metal door in my heart burst into pieces, opening the way to something that I only dreamed of. And with all I learnt, I knew, it was not only a dream anymore. I felt it the first 5 minutes we spent together, and she felt it aswell. We kept seeing eachother and talking and laughing, and in less than two weeks, we were finally together, as we were always meant to be. From there... Well, again, I don't want to get into the details too much to avoid reminiscing, but I can say that we were like one. We were, once again, seeking to be together every waking moment, and endlessly talking over the phone when we weren't physically together (which was like... No more than one day a week). We were happy, definitely. I felt life blooming in my gut, and I saw the glow in her eyes, I had, objectively, never seen her that happy, not ever. Not that she was that happy because she was with me, (I mean, she wasn't unhappy to be with either, but I wasn't the real reason behind her joy) but overall. She was feeling free, she had that characteristic glee, and she was even more happy to share it with me. That's how I knew it was perfect.
Approaching the third month of inseparable love, we went skiing, just the two of us. I had never skied before in my life, while she basically can go down any run, and I was so eager to learn with her. I won't lie, it was like I was in heaven. Everything was taking place in my life, I finally got that purpose I craved, I finally knew that my life had a meaning. These were three days of sheer happiness. Of freedom, and love. Of living. True, full and pure living. On the last day, having had the best teacher I could ever dream of, I could ski, well, not that great but I was doing okay, way better than I'd have expected after just three days. So we sped it up a bit. She opened the run, and I followed her. Once. Twice. Until a hidden bump in a tricky turn decided otherwise. I jumped uncontrollably, and upon landing, my left ski got stuck in the snow. My body kept on turning, but my leg stood still. I felt it make a complete turn before it got unstuck... Resulting in a ruptured ligament and a huge inflammation, edema, and the inability to walk or even put even the slightest pressure on my knee. So, after all the medical care and testing and what not, we went back to my house. She then got home, and here I was, lying in my bed, basically unable to move, feeling lonely. I wanted to talk to her, but for some reason she wasn't answering. So I sent her a disappointed message, then went to sleep. I woke up to a flurry of things she reproached me (we had only one "fight" before, even if it can't really be called that given how it went out, and these were basically the same things), so I answered, but there's only so much you can say by text, so I told her to come over and we'd talk about it NOT over the phone. She came, we talked, and even though things weren't definitely fixed, it seemed like it wouldn't get any worse. She stayed at home with me, after one or two days I could somewhat move with crutches so I was feeling rather fine considering, and that's when, out of the blue, she just told me she couldn't be with me anymore. Just like that. For the reasons aforementioned. I had nothing else to say, I had nothing to tell her to make her stay, I had no options. I was stuck in my bed, I couldn't even run after her to stop her from walking away from me. I was left there, lying, not really dead, but not alive either. In less than a week, I had lost my Freedom and my Love.
So, in a haze of weed and whiskey, I grabbed my laptop, and I started writing.
(God, writing can be so cathartic..)
27th Jun 2016 7:46am
Awww...
Broken winged indeed.
But like the phoenix
I hope after you burnt to ashes
You came out as good as new
With both your wings strong
And ready to flew.
Broken winged indeed.
But like the phoenix
I hope after you burnt to ashes
You came out as good as new
With both your wings strong
And ready to flew.
Hello. You probably don't remember commenting on this or what it was about, but I do remember the strength your words gave me. I came back to DUP to read my old writings and came across this...
I don't know if you're still active here after all this time, but I thought I'd let you know that I finally feel reborn. I can feel again, I have regained my freedom and I believe I can love again. I haven't yet, but I do feel like I could if given the chance. I still have trouble finding my purpose, my place in this world that disappoints and angers me more and more everyday, but that's an entirely different issue.
I feel like all this was several lives ago... I'm very glad it's all behind me, but in a strange way, I'm also glad it happened. I'm so close to real, pure happiness. It took so much time and effort, and still does, but I'm getting there.
My wings are stronger than ever, ready to soar,
All I have left to find out is where to ?
It might be the hardest question there is,
But now I know I'll answer it, and even more :
I will go and reach there... Wherever it is.
I've never thanked you for your words my friend, so here it is : from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you. You helped me and told me the words I needed to hear. It may not seem like much, but it meant a ton. I hope you're doing well, and wish you the best.
Thanks again.
I don't know if you're still active here after all this time, but I thought I'd let you know that I finally feel reborn. I can feel again, I have regained my freedom and I believe I can love again. I haven't yet, but I do feel like I could if given the chance. I still have trouble finding my purpose, my place in this world that disappoints and angers me more and more everyday, but that's an entirely different issue.
I feel like all this was several lives ago... I'm very glad it's all behind me, but in a strange way, I'm also glad it happened. I'm so close to real, pure happiness. It took so much time and effort, and still does, but I'm getting there.
My wings are stronger than ever, ready to soar,
All I have left to find out is where to ?
It might be the hardest question there is,
But now I know I'll answer it, and even more :
I will go and reach there... Wherever it is.
I've never thanked you for your words my friend, so here it is : from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you. You helped me and told me the words I needed to hear. It may not seem like much, but it meant a ton. I hope you're doing well, and wish you the best.
Thanks again.
