It's all a fucking waste

I hate the hurt I get when I start to feel again
I self-destruct inside
and push those close away from me
if your pushed the furthest
your probably the closest to me
I'll keep you far apart
in a place in my heart where you can never get to me
fully
because I know your just gonna hurt me
so whats the fucking point to open up fully
you tell me
because  it sounds stupid to me
there's only pain for me so I stopped looking
for this love
for this peace
there's only hate for me
life's one big game
but sometimes I'm fucking tired of playing
and I just want the real
the truth
and a like-minded equal
to be with
to end with
to fuck
IDK
live my god damn miserable life with
Is this a fucking big wish?
obviously, it is because I cant find it
and I've been thru a lot of tits and clits
and not one stuck with
1 year 2 year
shit 6 once and the bitch still split
fuck life
and fuck a bitch
I'm in love with me
and that's the safest