deepundergroundpoetry.com
Gerascophobia
My hair is brown with scarlet undertones.
But I can easily see it turning grey,
Till it all disapears one day.
My skin tone is warm,
And never have I suffered from acne of any form.
Still I see wrinkles, and dark spots coming my way,
And then sagging, deteriorating skin from my bones.
I can recite all of your poems and songs front to back,
and remember every word you ever spoke to me.
Though, sometimes I'll forget somebodies name, or my own phone number.
And I see it getting worse.
I know someday those words will cease to live vivid in my head,
On one fateful day my mind will cease altogether while I sit on my deathbed.
...and the thought is absolutely terrifying.
But I can easily see it turning grey,
Till it all disapears one day.
My skin tone is warm,
And never have I suffered from acne of any form.
Still I see wrinkles, and dark spots coming my way,
And then sagging, deteriorating skin from my bones.
I can recite all of your poems and songs front to back,
and remember every word you ever spoke to me.
Though, sometimes I'll forget somebodies name, or my own phone number.
And I see it getting worse.
I know someday those words will cease to live vivid in my head,
On one fateful day my mind will cease altogether while I sit on my deathbed.
...and the thought is absolutely terrifying.
Published 22nd Jun 2011
| Edited 23rd Jul 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jul 2011 9:32am
I'm not sure if this is one you wanted critiqued, but you said anything so I'll start here.
First, for poetry to be taken seriously, you need to spell check. Sometimes poets will misspell words intentionally, I do it all the time, but most times it takes away from the read. For me anyways, I get stuck on correcting it in my head.
The flow feels jagged. Well, the rhyme scheme I should say, it makes the poem not have a flow. It's like you started out wanting to rhyme it, then sort of just went with what came out, which can be fine, but you should really pick what you want to do, and drive it home. This has the makings of a deep poem, but I think those things would help out for starters. :)
First, for poetry to be taken seriously, you need to spell check. Sometimes poets will misspell words intentionally, I do it all the time, but most times it takes away from the read. For me anyways, I get stuck on correcting it in my head.
The flow feels jagged. Well, the rhyme scheme I should say, it makes the poem not have a flow. It's like you started out wanting to rhyme it, then sort of just went with what came out, which can be fine, but you should really pick what you want to do, and drive it home. This has the makings of a deep poem, but I think those things would help out for starters. :)
2nd Jul 2011 9:37am
Thank you!
I do need to work on spelling, good God, I suck at spelling. Haha. Thank you.
As far as rhyming and flow, I like to use both within pieces.
I have yet to find the happy balance though, so that's why it comes out so horrifying.
:]
I do need to work on spelling, good God, I suck at spelling. Haha. Thank you.
As far as rhyming and flow, I like to use both within pieces.
I have yet to find the happy balance though, so that's why it comes out so horrifying.
:]
2nd Jul 2011 9:44am
It's not horrifying, it just makes it hard to find a beat to read the poem to. I love it when poetry juts flows, and it feels like your eyes are sliding down the page, rather than forcing yourself to make something out of what's not there.
IT's not just rhyme or prose, it's either. Poetry is about the feel, and you can get that feel from both, but you have to know that you truly want it first. I'm here to help if you ever need it :)
IT's not just rhyme or prose, it's either. Poetry is about the feel, and you can get that feel from both, but you have to know that you truly want it first. I'm here to help if you ever need it :)
2nd Jul 2011 9:45am
2nd Jul 2011 9:48am
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 11:21am
'resite' = recite
Basically, these are prosaic mutterings, and I do feel you. Gathering birthdays and experience doesn't bother me - aging does. Your title is perfect.
There is an old adage with poetry, that you should show not tell. Here is an example: When Lorca showed David's grief in 'Thamar and Amnon' he used David's action to illustrate it:
"And when the four hooves
were just four echoes,
David, with a pair of scissors,
cut the strings of his harp."
Basically, these are prosaic mutterings, and I do feel you. Gathering birthdays and experience doesn't bother me - aging does. Your title is perfect.
There is an old adage with poetry, that you should show not tell. Here is an example: When Lorca showed David's grief in 'Thamar and Amnon' he used David's action to illustrate it:
"And when the four hooves
were just four echoes,
David, with a pair of scissors,
cut the strings of his harp."
23rd Jul 2011 9:15pm
Thank you for your help.
I should work on my imagery and spelling, of course.
I should work on my imagery and spelling, of course.
