deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Slow Withdrawal
He withdrew slowly, leaving her to bathe
In the harsh usage he had put her through;
Staring at the ceiling, languour craved
Her loud, contented sigh: let him accrue
That sense of satisfaction: the affair
He'd filled her tight cunt with, thrust after thrust;
Had been a delight. Once he'd found her bare
Form licenced his incentive; the sheer lust
Was untrammelled and he could not pass by
Nor leave her needy, waiting, (wanting too);
While staring, it is true, she wondered why
She’d let him have her. Once the man withdrew,
She lay there ill at ease, hand on her breast
And sighed again – oh to be more caressed!
In the harsh usage he had put her through;
Staring at the ceiling, languour craved
Her loud, contented sigh: let him accrue
That sense of satisfaction: the affair
He'd filled her tight cunt with, thrust after thrust;
Had been a delight. Once he'd found her bare
Form licenced his incentive; the sheer lust
Was untrammelled and he could not pass by
Nor leave her needy, waiting, (wanting too);
While staring, it is true, she wondered why
She’d let him have her. Once the man withdrew,
She lay there ill at ease, hand on her breast
And sighed again – oh to be more caressed!
Published 21st Dec 2015
| Edited 22nd Dec 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 1106
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Dec 2015 2:06pm
S.O., a poem not weighted unnecessarily, clear in thought, gestures and response of motion.
As you have encouraged honest critique, I have simple suggestions that would help with flow and thought:
filler words, and redundant word usage. Fillers in this case such as. "just", and "so", and "such", and "almost". Wherever those words are in this poem, you don't need them, and suggest you remove them. Also, the second "she" in the third line is redundant and is not needed.
In line 10, I suggest changing it to something more direct by not saying "Or", but to continue the thought carried over from line 9: "Leaving her needy, waiting, and wanting"
I would also suggest rethinking the heavy use of semi-colons. Thus my humble crit comes to a close.
Respectfully.
As you have encouraged honest critique, I have simple suggestions that would help with flow and thought:
filler words, and redundant word usage. Fillers in this case such as. "just", and "so", and "such", and "almost". Wherever those words are in this poem, you don't need them, and suggest you remove them. Also, the second "she" in the third line is redundant and is not needed.
In line 10, I suggest changing it to something more direct by not saying "Or", but to continue the thought carried over from line 9: "Leaving her needy, waiting, and wanting"
I would also suggest rethinking the heavy use of semi-colons. Thus my humble crit comes to a close.
Respectfully.
hoist me on my lazy petard of filler words to keep the iambic pentameter would you, young lady - hmmm - you have a point - I will muse and consider a re-write. not sure about the semi colons - but other than the ones at the end of each stanza they should go too I suppose - sighs!
