Sister Teresa

Sister Teresa

    Candles illuminate the bedchamber where I silently remove my habit and watch my olive skinned body emerge from the flowing robes. I look into the mirror and see my form, a woman, vivacious and beautiful, young and nubile.                
    Sometimes I think it is a tragedy to let my youth go by without experiencing the pleasures of the flesh.  I often fantasize about a lover who comes in the night.  In my dreams he appears at my window and beckons me to ride off with him on a majestic Arabian stallion. He stands there tall and dark in a long black cloak.  His face seems etched in marble. He gazes at me with sorrow in his eyes.  Tears stream down his face.  When I approach him he rides off into the darkness.
    On this night I feel goose bumps form on my skin.  It isn’t that cold, and I know it is thinking about him that sends chills through my body.  As my heart pounds in my chest I feel fear mixed with excitement.
    Suddenly I freeze as I feel a sensation on my left shoulder blade.  It feels like a feather brushing against my skin.  Then I feel it again running down my spine.  Looking in the mirror, I see a woman in a long dark shawl who stands behind me, and weaves a web which hangs from her long slender fingers.    
    I cannot believe that this woman has come instead of the man in my dreams. I remind myself that  it is just a dream. I tremble at the prospect of being trapped in her spider’s web and feasted on, like a butterfly, in punishment for my impure thoughts.
    I scream, run to the door, and  rush out into the hall.   The Abbess is walking by as I run naked into the hall way.  The Abbess does the sign of the cross, grabs my shoulders, and holds my shaking body.  The Abbess, asks, “What’s the matter Teresa?  What happened?”
    I fall to the floor at the Abbess’ feet and say, “Please forgive me.  A woman intruded into my bedchambers. She tried to seduce me.”
    The Abbess goes into my bedroom and looks around.  The window is locked tight and nothing looks disturbed.  She walks out and helps me up, and holds me by my shoulders.  She says, “Child get dressed and report to my office at once.”
    I obey.  I walk into the office where the abbess stands behind her desk and glares at me with eyes like glowing coals.  She asks rhetorically, “Child, have you been having sinful thoughts?”
    I fling my hands out and say, “I am betrothed to God sister. You know I have never been with a man.  I would never do such a thing.”
    The Abbess taps the desk with her finger tips.  She says, “Sister Teresa, even to think such things is a venal sin.  You must do penance.”
    I bow my head submissively and say, “Thy will be done.”
    The Abbess makes me undress once more.  She orders me to bend over her desk and then whips me soundly till my buttocks burn and I cry out in pain.  In between strokes from the Abbess’s belt I scream, “Please forgive me Lord for I have sinned.”  Then the strokes stop.  
    The Abbess instructs me, “Now go back to your room and sin no more.”
    I quickly get dressed and run down the gas lamp lit stone hallway to my room.  I collapse into my bed and fall quickly asleep.
    In my dream the spider woman returns. She  stands at my window.  She smiles and motions with her hands for me to come.  I approach her and hold her hand through the window.  I start to climb through the windowsill and she pushes me back. She said, “Tomorrow, little bird.  Wait.”
    I walk back to my bed and fall into the soft down mattress, delirious with joy. Then I awake.  It is late at night.  Moonlight shines through my window.  In the distance I hear coyotes howl.  I walk to the window, open it, and breathe in the cool moist night air.  I look up at the moon and feel my temples pulse with blood.  I feel very hot.  I go to my wash basin, lower my face, cup water in my hands, and splash it on my heated face.  The cold water shocks  my face.  I wonder what tomorrow night will hold in store for me.
    The next day I sweep and clean the kitchen pantry.  All day long I watch the young Indian women work in the fields outside the window.  I sometimes wish I had been born Indian.  My European upbringing has repressed my inmost passions so much that I feel like I am choking. This monastic vow of chastity is like a millstone around my neck.  I feel the weight of centuries of stifled dreams and hopes of women throughout the civilized world.
    I have heard of Indian societies to the east where the flesh is not the considered the source of sin but rather is celebrated.  I wonder why a kind God would deny a person their greatest pleasure.  I long to wander the woods, sleep in tents, and feel the grass and dirt against my bare skin.  The hunger to know what was beyond these stone walls drives me nearly insane.  I tremble with excitement as I imagine the wide open prairies and the Rocky Mountains to the east.  I wonder if I can survive if I run away.    
    Then I hear the Abbess yell for me. I immediately throw down my broom and run to her.  The Abbess stands in the doorway and  looks down at me as though she is a great hawk and I a tiny mouse about to be her meal.
    The Abbess speaks to me, saying, “Sister Teresa, I know that you have struggled long and hard with your desires.  Please meet me in my bedchambers tonight, child, and I will fulfill your longing. Sometimes it is better to give into temptation once and then never again.  Once you have experienced it perhaps you will be at peace.”
    I tremble with fear at the Abbess’ words.  I am completely repulsed by the Abbess.  How can this woman demand what I keep for the man I will love?  I know that I cannot go through with this act with the Abbess.  I have to remain pure for the one who will be my true soulmate.  I cannot sacrifice my virginity for this cold callous woman.
    I know at that moment that I have to escape. That night I go to the storage bin and dress in Indian workman clothes.  I set off across the garden where I hear the night crickets sing.  I get to the gate and open it. Then I plunge into the forest.  The moonlight sifts through the trees and illuminates my path.
    I pace across the soft bed of pine needles coating the forest floor, in my moccasins.  I see a deer silhouetted against the moonlit trees.  It looks at me and disappears into the night forest.  I hear the leaves rustle behind me and look back.  It is only the wind sighing through the trees.  
    I walk on, stumble over sticks, and stub my toes.  My feet ache.  I finally come to a trickling brook, take off my moccasins, and wade in the stream.  The water feels cool and exhilarating on the bare soles of my feet.  Soon my feet are frigid and I walk out of the icy water onto the sandy shore.  I lie there until I fall asleep to the wind sighing through the tall pine tree tops.
    In the depths of my dreams I hear a whippoorwill.  Soon I see a woman with long raven hair.  She sings bird songs. Her cloak blankets her hair and body. In her face I see the mother of creation. She is the spider woman whom I encountered in my bedroom.
    “I can sing like a woodpecker and hoot like and owl” she says with an amused tone.  
    “Who are you?” I query with trepidation ebbing.
    “I’m you and all women. I birthed this silly planet into being. Among the Hopis I’m known as the Spider Woman. Cock-a-doodle-doo” she says.
    “I feel like a little girl listening to you. I wish I could sing like a bird too” I say.
    “It takes lots of practice. Thousands of years Actually” she says.
    “Why are you visiting a forlorn little bird like me? In the grand scheme of things I’m
inconsequential” I say.
    “I visit all kinds of beings. I talked to a frog the other day. We croaked together and had a great time” Spider Woman says.
    “I wish I were a frog. Then I’d be free to be me. You see I live in a convent. I’m chaste as a spinster. Hopeless” I lament.
    She flaps her shawl and rises off the ground with her feet dangling. “You could fly like a sea gull given half the chance. Give yourself a chance Little Bird. You need to stretch your wings. Coo coo to you daughter” she says.
    “I never knew my Mom. I was an orphan and grew up in the convent with the nuns” I say.
    “I’m you’re mother. Turn to me when the chilly winds blow. You will never be alone” she reassures me.
    “I’m so glad I met you. Please don’t be a stranger. Visit me often. You feed this nestling with laughter and birdsong” I say.
    “Don’t forget to brey with donkeys. They are wise. Find the man of your dreams. Weave your web around him. For you there is no other way” she says.    
    I awaken from my dream world and find myself lying in the cool forest beside the stream. I know the sin the sisters warned me about is real. I cannot run from my inner demons, but have to face them and incorporate them into my mind. Only then can I slay the dragons within.  
    The next morning I make my way to a small fur trapping camp.  I get a job at the trading post.  I have many lovers over the next few years. However at night in my room I sometimes tremble before sleeping.  I always await the day when Spider Woman will return to give me her blessing on a life well lived.