deepundergroundpoetry.com
Citrus x Paradisi
I cut.
The pink flesh bleeds
over the table
to begin to fulfill my needs
compartmentalized
I dissect, piece by piece
as each cut gets deeper
I want the longing to cease.
I can almost taste the bitterness
as it flushes from torn skin
a euphoric release
no longer held within.
I crave.
I am consumed.
Thirst abated
I sigh.
By DB (06/21/2011)
The pink flesh bleeds
over the table
to begin to fulfill my needs
compartmentalized
I dissect, piece by piece
as each cut gets deeper
I want the longing to cease.
I can almost taste the bitterness
as it flushes from torn skin
a euphoric release
no longer held within.
I crave.
I am consumed.
Thirst abated
I sigh.
By DB (06/21/2011)
Published 21st Jun 2011
| Edited 22nd Jun 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Jun 2011 4:58pm
Thanks for sharing your opinion, but it would be much more useful to me if you told me WHY my poem was "GARBAGE". Then I could hopefully write a poem in the future that wasn't "garbage", otherwise I'll probably go through life spitting out the same old "garbage".
22nd Jun 2011 2:40pm
Right the main issue is that that the format of the poem changes at the end which is unprofessional. Also the theme is not clearly displayed. i can't tell whether you are writing about self harming or eating yourself. YUM! i am posting my own poems now if you want to critique them i would appreciate it. cheers!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate that.
I have a couple of questions:
So all poems should have a consistent number of lines across all stanzas? Should all poems rhyme as well? There's tons of "unprofessional" poetry on this site! :)
As for the clear theme, I prefer not to repeatedly slap people about the head with obviousness. My personal feeling about poetry is that it should be something that is discovered by the reader. Really good poems, are poems that often garner new meaning to a reader after extended periods of reflection and contemplation. That is not to say that all my poems are deep and meaningful. I also don't try to deliberately make my poems obscure just for the sake of mystery.
The meaning of this poem is clear, it has just temporarily evaded you. ;) (I should add that once you know meaning then it's obvious, but it might not be immediately obvious. Things are often not what they first seem)
Thanks again for your comments!
I have a couple of questions:
So all poems should have a consistent number of lines across all stanzas? Should all poems rhyme as well? There's tons of "unprofessional" poetry on this site! :)
As for the clear theme, I prefer not to repeatedly slap people about the head with obviousness. My personal feeling about poetry is that it should be something that is discovered by the reader. Really good poems, are poems that often garner new meaning to a reader after extended periods of reflection and contemplation. That is not to say that all my poems are deep and meaningful. I also don't try to deliberately make my poems obscure just for the sake of mystery.
The meaning of this poem is clear, it has just temporarily evaded you. ;) (I should add that once you know meaning then it's obvious, but it might not be immediately obvious. Things are often not what they first seem)
Thanks again for your comments!
23rd Jun 2011 1:41am
i think its safe to say that the first two words may be a give-away in terms of a clear theme.
you have pretty much covered the phenomenon/illness/affliction with maturity and a poeticalness that is not often used when the subject is tackled.
i would like to help you and point out some things that need tweaking but as yet i cant find any.
lets hope you write a shit poem the next time so it will be easier for me. :)
you have pretty much covered the phenomenon/illness/affliction with maturity and a poeticalness that is not often used when the subject is tackled.
i would like to help you and point out some things that need tweaking but as yet i cant find any.
lets hope you write a shit poem the next time so it will be easier for me. :)
"i think its safe to say that the first two words may be a give-away in terms of a clear theme."
Or are they...? ;)
"lets hope you write a shit poem the next time so it will be easier for me. :)"
I appreciate the vigorous encouragement Eamon. I will try my utmost to write a shit poem, just for you. :D You flatter me Sir, this is NOT good for my ego!
Thanks for your comments as always!
Or are they...? ;)
"lets hope you write a shit poem the next time so it will be easier for me. :)"
I appreciate the vigorous encouragement Eamon. I will try my utmost to write a shit poem, just for you. :D You flatter me Sir, this is NOT good for my ego!
Thanks for your comments as always!
