deepundergroundpoetry.com
Watch You for Hours
I could watch you fish for hours
Standing on the water's edge
Waiting for a hit.
The smile on your lips,
The focus in your eyes,
The way your arm moves
When you cast your next line.
I could watch you fish for hours
Your patience is envious
Your stance, strong.
Your eyes watching the
Water rippling from the
next big hit.
I could watch you fish for hours
The excitement flashing through
Your eyes as a fish bites
Reeling in your line as fast
as you can without breaking it
To see what's on the other end.
I could watch you fish for hours
Standing on the water's edge
Waiting for a hit.
The smile on your lips,
The focus in your eyes,
The way your arm moves
When you cast your next line.
I could watch you fish for hours
Your patience is envious
Your stance, strong.
Your eyes watching the
Water rippling from the
next big hit.
I could watch you fish for hours
The excitement flashing through
Your eyes as a fish bites
Reeling in your line as fast
as you can without breaking it
To see what's on the other end.
I could watch you fish for hours
Published 27th Nov 2015
| Edited 28th Nov 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 572
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I do like a good observational. there's a nice serenity about this one: cool, calm and paced. you go some way to record all which you see ie smile, stance, arm movement and so forth. good stuff
wasn't sure 'bout 'Your patience is envious' taken literally it would mean the patience itself is envious as opposed to you being envious of the patience. comma 'tween stance and strong works good for a pause, I don't think you need the first couple in 4th and 5th line. I wondered why you didn't line break before each 'I could watch you fish' but its no biggie
pretty solid stuff, fair play
wasn't sure 'bout 'Your patience is envious' taken literally it would mean the patience itself is envious as opposed to you being envious of the patience. comma 'tween stance and strong works good for a pause, I don't think you need the first couple in 4th and 5th line. I wondered why you didn't line break before each 'I could watch you fish' but its no biggie
pretty solid stuff, fair play
Thank you.
What I meant was that I was envious of his patience. Not everyone has that kind of patience to stand there and wait for that moment before the big hit.
I added those commas in the 4th and 5th line because I wanted it to read more like a list. Like, "first a, b, then c."
I did have it break between them but I copied it from my phone and it didn't register. I didn't notice until now.
What I meant was that I was envious of his patience. Not everyone has that kind of patience to stand there and wait for that moment before the big hit.
I added those commas in the 4th and 5th line because I wanted it to read more like a list. Like, "first a, b, then c."
I did have it break between them but I copied it from my phone and it didn't register. I didn't notice until now.
