I Am Not Okay

I am not okay.
Don’t listen to what I say.
I have an internal pain.
And these nights are driving me further down this road
This road of not being happy.
This god damned road of pain and agony.
I AM NOT OKAY.
I will listen all day not a word to say
but night I cry and write to get my emotions out.
To cope with what I cannot describe.
I cannot even fathom why I’m this way.
I just am this.
I am.
Not.
Okay.
I will push myself over the fucking edge,
to make you happy.
I will be the opposite of myself,
if it so pleases you.
You need to be okay.
I will not be okay.
You want to make me happy.
You want me to be this something that I could never amount to.
As I shake at night trying to just stop myself from hyperventilating.
Trying to not curl up into a ball with these tissues accumulating on my bedside.
I can’t push myself any further or any harder than I do now.
This world of these god damn expectations,
This world crushing my head in because I do not have a disease.
I just have a bad time.
Or too much on my mind.
I’m only exaggerating the pain,
I only want attention.
Yes I want attention,
but this attention is what I have been lacking.
I’ve been lacking people to care about me and to look at what I put myself through.
I am asking for people to come take a step in my goddamn shoes.  
Feel my chest ache at night when all I can do is cry.
When no one’s words can simply make me happy.
When the words don’t even matter.
Because I am NOT okay.