I won't.

I've never had to feel this
so deeply before, this crushing,
heavy weight of shame so intense before
and when I look at you, I'm lost for words.

My heart feels strangely full of
this overpowering, overwhelming, unwanted sadness
and I feel like this once full organ has been suddenly deflated-
sharp edges of words carelessly spoken, pressing into soft flesh.

Oh, please won't someone tell me
that all of this is only in my head...
won't someone have mercy and let me know
that this unrelenting heaviness will cease and pass.

I've never been this afraid before, in fact,
never before have I thought to not bare these scars.
They made me into who I am and
I'm not trying to hide anymore.

Please, won't you tell me why on that night
when you suggested I might try to hide,
or better yet, please someone tell me an explanation why,
without question, without fight, I readily complied.

Maybe it was something deep and instinctual,
something always right beneath my thoughts, but
I'm fighting it because I won't just "deal" with it anymore-
I'll crush this before its sinewy hand takes hold of my heart.

I'll wrap it up tight, cradle my own heart now
and I will, everyday, bear these arms.
I am a conqueror, my fight with shame long since over-
this is my history, of which I am proud, and not my charm.