deepundergroundpoetry.com
Harder Work
Shut those lungs,
they breathe too heavy with words and phrases that hurt the skin
and dig in to my eyes but hey, ho,
we move on quickly to self-loathing in clothing
that reaks of your detection, of my deflection, of cynical rejection
when choosing not
to be alone.
they breathe too heavy with words and phrases that hurt the skin
and dig in to my eyes but hey, ho,
we move on quickly to self-loathing in clothing
that reaks of your detection, of my deflection, of cynical rejection
when choosing not
to be alone.
Published 13th Jun 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jun 2011 2:38pm
i wish i had something constructive to say, but this is just bloody brilliant. sorry! [:
13th Jun 2011 6:21pm
Hehe, how quickly a poem can turn in such a short space of time. Understanding better how you write now, I'm sure this was intentional. So to that end, I got a wry sense of amusement from this poem.
The opening was excellent, it's a good thing the poem is short because I held my breath.
Is there a (good) reason you used "of, of, of"? I'm sure there must be, but it eludes me.
The other thing that sticks out to me is the use of "next stage", I'm not sure I'm digging it but I don't have a good explanation as to why. I think that whole line perhaps could be more blase, or dramatic... something. Sorry I can't be more specific.
As always take with a pinch of salt. Nice work.
The opening was excellent, it's a good thing the poem is short because I held my breath.
Is there a (good) reason you used "of, of, of"? I'm sure there must be, but it eludes me.
The other thing that sticks out to me is the use of "next stage", I'm not sure I'm digging it but I don't have a good explanation as to why. I think that whole line perhaps could be more blase, or dramatic... something. Sorry I can't be more specific.
As always take with a pinch of salt. Nice work.
13th Jun 2011 6:23pm
Thank you, DB! I tried to be a little lazy with it, when falling into relationships I never quite know how I got there and as for 'of' it was supposed to be digging at 'off'. Next stage, any suggestions for another line? Thank you again as always.
I don't really like to suggest lines as such, since it's your poem but perhaps if I can convey what I'm thinking/feeling about it (and you agree) maybe you can put that into words.
I think you set the tone with "hey ho". That is the real pivot point of the poem. You just need something with a little bite/punch but yet coldly disinterested. "Next stage" is just too flat (no pun intended) and more bored than disinterested.
My take on it might be wrong though so...
Anyway, if you feel it has merit, I'll certainly think on it some more.
I think you set the tone with "hey ho". That is the real pivot point of the poem. You just need something with a little bite/punch but yet coldly disinterested. "Next stage" is just too flat (no pun intended) and more bored than disinterested.
My take on it might be wrong though so...
Anyway, if you feel it has merit, I'll certainly think on it some more.
13th Jun 2011 6:38pm
That's actually really helpful emotions work better for me than fully formed lines...is this any better?
13th Jun 2011 6:41pm
Nice!
How about moving "when choosing to not be alone." to a line on its own?
I promise I'll stop commenting after this. ;)
How about moving "when choosing to not be alone." to a line on its own?
I promise I'll stop commenting after this. ;)
14th Jun 2011 1:29pm
watching a long romantic film with a solid message and winning lots and lots of awards. I am afraid to call it a short poem actually.
29th Jun 2011 1:28am
16th Jun 2011 9:11am
29th Jun 2011 1:28am
