Image for the poem  Beautiful Death ~ this isn’t poetry, its real shit…

Beautiful Death ~ this isn’t poetry, its real shit…

….the tears were fighting to come out but I did my best to yield them….
16 hours earlier

She was smiling. Her weak voice was proclaiming her love for each of her children. One by one she kiss them….. Rubbed them…. Hug them, said her ‘I love you’s’, stating she would see them later tonight, then she trailed off to sleep; semi-unconscious, she’d been doing that all day long. This scene had become familiar, though this day she had many, many visitors. Her hospice room filled with maybe 20 family and friends. We all were there for the same reason; to say goodbye. I kissed her on the forehead and slowly tried to make my way out of the crowded room with her children, when I heard her soft voice break the thick and hollow air, “I love you auntee’ Tara”, she said. “Ya’ll take care of my babies.” I wanted to burst into tears, but I managed to swallow the lump in my throat and turn towards her, and flashed a smile, while blowing a kiss. “I love you too babygirl, and we will, I promise!” I walked out of her room, broken. The hallway filled with silent stragglers of about 10. Another 20 or so outside the cancer center, a few heads hung low, as if defeated. Others were smoking and pacing, while many stole hugs and kisses from the children. People seem to gravitate around the smaller versions of her. Their father, (my nephew) gently grabbed his babies and helped them into their car seats.  He kissed them, and hug me, said he’d call me later. The ride back to their home was long. I don’t even remember how I got there.
I cooked, gave them baths, and then put them to bed; something I’d been doing frequently the past few months.

I curled up in the corner of the couch, legs folded underneath me and stared at…..nothing. The ringing of the phone interrupted the quietness. I didn’t answer it, I couldn’t answer it. I knew she was gone! The house started to suffocate me. I couldn’t cry! She was only 26. So young. Such a beautiful soul. She never complained. You never saw her depressed or sad. She was always smiling, always laughing. Even when she knew nothing else could be done for her, she was well with it all. Even when they gave her an expiration time, she continued to live as if forever was on her side. Even in her fragile and frail state, her attitude about life reflected the picture of perfect health. That’s the kind of beautiful soul she was. That’s the kind of soul I could only wish to be.

Later that night my nephew came home. His fiancée was gone. The only woman he had ever loved took her last breath. The mother of his three precious children wouldn’t be around to watch them grow into amazing adults. He walked in the room and I saw emptiness in his eyes. He was staring at the exact same thing I was staring at earlier,…..nothing. His voice was barely above a whisper when he finally spoke, “Her last expression was a smile, even till the very end, she smiled.” He flopped down on the couch next to me, laid his head on my shoulder and began sobbing. I never heard a man cry so violently before. I wrapped my arms around him. I didn’t say anything, he didn’t say anything….. We didn’t need to.

The next morning, the tears were fighting to come out but I did my best to yield them by blinking frantically…..
After sending the kids off to school, and making sure my nephew was ok, I headed home.
I found my husband waiting for me, he had took the day off, knowing I’d need him. He started to stand but I motion him to stay seated. I dropped my purse and keys on the floor, kicked off my shoes, folded my feet underneath me and laid my head in his lap. He stroked my hair and all at once…. I was sobbing. He didn’t say anything, I didn’t say anything…. We didn’t need to


Note: ~ I wanted to share this with readers and hopefully someone will be inspired.
Cancer didn’t kill babygirl, it just took her body. Her free spirit towards life made the unthinkable, plausible. What many of us take for granted (Life), was taking from her with pre-warning. Yet she didn’t let cancer dictate her life. She smiled through despair and ignored her suffering, she controlled her joy, and held power over her own happiness. She ignored what she couldn’t change and celebrated what she could.
Her life and death has lit a light in me. She has inspired me! The insignificance of foolish shit that streams throughout our lives seem weak, with dull merit; compared to someone like her, that’s been given a death timeline. We should ignore what we can’t control like; the behavior of others and what people think of you, what they say about you, their actions towards you and their reactions because of you. Situations we can’t change, events we can’t stop, money we can’t grow, friendships beyond mending, relationships beyond repair, love we’ve lost, and on and on and on. ~

*Focus every single day on what makes you smile. You are the author of your joy. Don’t let Life’s ache rewrite your happiness…..*

Written by rain1courtel (RainC)
Published | Edited 1st Apr 2016
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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