not like me

spinning-falling onto the floor
in front of you
little girl
 
for some reason you went to the computer
took a picture of your face
 
those lost dead eyes
I shall never forget

mother kills daughter
details at ten
 
tonight you're 16
you tell me you're a virgin no more
I'm happy for you
so grateful you went to me with this
 
but we can't really talk about it
you were too gone to know what really happened
don't remember feeling anything
bruises on your neck
 
you say new things that are somehow familiar
it makes it all so much better
coming into your window at 7 in the morning
foul-smelling
hungry
 
my baby
you're always hungry
as if I purposefully starve you
because you know it's better if you don't eat
 
my exhaustion
the night before spent waiting til you text me you're okay
 
our little code that's not a code at all
any little random set of numbers and / or letters
yet those that could be typed accidentally as someone is
 
pulling you into a van and driving away
 
my bad decisions
passiveness
they're going to do it anyway it's better you know about it
 
aching to call your dad
who begged me to keep you and marry him
 
someone I never thought would walk away
 
and I want to cry because
 
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LOVED
 
not like me
 
YOU ARE SPECIAL AND WORTHY
 
not like me
 
mom I can stop when I want to
 
and why there will never be any redemption
any relief
any end to this hell on earth
 
if someone put that little vial of white
in front of me right now
 
it would be gone in a second