Steps once

Hold it on a barrel, lost it once or twice
A caldron of lies on a fist of wrong dimise
Wonder if it's good enough hold it till it squeeze
Shiver at its breathlessness and still it cease a breeze
Can its breath be held this long? I've seen it shake a nerve still instead of waged amiss a longing never pleased
Sit beside a lonely heart dying with each breath
I cannot be a discovered by a flavored being distant to my days
Have you ever killed a man has he thanked a time
Sit a spit of damned disgrace a run can tire ease
Should it be this easy can you feel a wrath
Simple yet an undefined becoming new and torn
Love aid in a decent with shouts fall silent still
I have no hope for numbness to much is yet to come
Hear a cry from afar cursed with disregard a freedom can overwealm
Mercy cried out loud and fell on deaf ears still unknown
I have a friend inside my pen and fallen ink spills ugly
Disaster strikes a damaged soul a simple yet unrefined
Collapse onto a bed of fears a tear of limber trolls
Happiness is unabliged death is everyday
I want to be at rest at ease but breathing is hard to avoid
I safe my life most everyday I cannot leave this earth running from a past of pain and hurt and turmoil my skin is still yet beautiful my heart is beating yet I hate myself and all I can be my mind is never free
Should I have to take a breath of smoke just to survive I miss the things I've never had a greener grass of lies
What did you take from me
I found this is my task
I run and hide yet search and find the cancer of my mind
Looking for a should to keep
A child never born
I end it here yet still no tears fall behind a mind so blind
I have a strength of a thousand men
A Health that most would envy
Yet I don't appreciate it as I should and that's my hates delight
I can hate myself yet most look up to me
Envious of my diligence
I'd give it all away
Should I find a worthier man than I to wear this mask of guilt
Instead I find myself longing to snuff my own light out
Disgusted as I read my mind I pour out effortlessly
Kept a secret penmanship even my wife will never find
I have a lockbox full of poems writings and pictures drawn
Under my head beneath my head to be buried with my corpse
I write hear in secret a public domain kept under an alias
No one will ever associate my face
So if you see me on the streets you will never make the connect
That I hate me and I can't forget how I've tortured myself for no reason
I cannot smile it's been a job
To make all other laugh
I never want someone else to feel this pain of hate inside myself
I blame me for everything I've done I can't forgive myself
For things I've though and how I've thought of situations that have never left my mind
Wouldn't it be crazy if I've met you or shook your hand
Held a door or got the chance to die for you
That's why I'm here to wait to die a sweet sweet victory
To die so that someone might live and never think twice of me
I shouldn't have to live this way but it's my destiny you see
It all adds up to preparation the best way to protect someone with my life
You may not know it now or then but I cannot wait to die
Saving you a stranger from any kind of demise
You are safe beside me
You are warm as I am cold
You are never in harms way as long as I am near
Never thank me I'll turn on you I'm not here for your thanks
Your gratitude is un appreciated and your money will be burned
There is one thing that I live for
A smile on your face
As you take my favored dagger and slice into my veins
Digging deeper into me a sliver shred my heart
An absent thought of lonliness as my soul and heart depart