deepundergroundpoetry.com
Captain~
Her hair whips in the gulf breeze with the sails of
the boat...
cruising at five knots...as five softer knots are tied in black silk,
firmly tugged like rigging, safe and secure.
Breasts swelling in time with the swell of the waves
He kisses her there, first starboard nipple, then port,
hardening each like tiny buoys seeking attention.
His mast thick and strong... awaiting it's chore..
silvery sea spray licks her skin as he swabs her deck with his eyes and tongue..
he engulfs her bay just as a bow splits the wake before it,
parting salty waters..
The boom is lowered ...his hands roam cabin to stern...
a luscious tide comes in waves...hard and strong...
she anchors herself firmly for the squall that leaves her breathless..
her voyage is complete... her captain adored...
the boat...
cruising at five knots...as five softer knots are tied in black silk,
firmly tugged like rigging, safe and secure.
Breasts swelling in time with the swell of the waves
He kisses her there, first starboard nipple, then port,
hardening each like tiny buoys seeking attention.
His mast thick and strong... awaiting it's chore..
silvery sea spray licks her skin as he swabs her deck with his eyes and tongue..
he engulfs her bay just as a bow splits the wake before it,
parting salty waters..
The boom is lowered ...his hands roam cabin to stern...
a luscious tide comes in waves...hard and strong...
she anchors herself firmly for the squall that leaves her breathless..
her voyage is complete... her captain adored...
Published 7th Jun 2011
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Anonymous
8th Jun 2011 3:45am
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Anonymous
8th Jun 2011 10:51am
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8th Jun 2011 1:10pm
If I had a constructive criticism it would have to be the use of the ellipses, which are in my opinion distracting and unnecessary. You have other grammatical constructs you can use, or poetic form itself to alter the flow of your poem (and add dramatic pauses where necessary).
Otherwise, it's good use of imagery and a nice way to address a common theme in a more original way.
Otherwise, it's good use of imagery and a nice way to address a common theme in a more original way.
8th Jun 2011 7:24pm
thanks DB, I should probably look up "ellipses" in the context of poetry and figure that part out...
I appreciate your input!
I appreciate your input!
Well they're used in the same sense grammatically as with any other written text, generally to express a trailing off (as with thought), or incompleteness.
My problem isn't with you using them, it's that using them too often... it gets really annoying fast... in my humble opinion... and one could argue... that if you use too many... then you're being lazy... and not expressing sufficient ideas in the poem... leaving too much up to the reader... or possibly that you ran out of ideas... and so didn't know what else to write... to complete that particular theme in the poem.
I hope you don't take that as being condescending, that is not my intention. My goal is just to give you an honest criticism of this poem which might lead to improvement in its quality.
For what it's worth, I use ellipses all the time in casual writing, such as on the forums... I try to avoid using them in poetry though unless I have a very good reason for doing so.
EDIT: reading your poem again, I think in most, if not all of the places you used them, starting a new line would simply suffice, and where they're already at the end of a line simply take them away, or put a single period.
EDIT 2: Ironically, a recent poem I wrote contains an ellipsis:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/21482/
My problem isn't with you using them, it's that using them too often... it gets really annoying fast... in my humble opinion... and one could argue... that if you use too many... then you're being lazy... and not expressing sufficient ideas in the poem... leaving too much up to the reader... or possibly that you ran out of ideas... and so didn't know what else to write... to complete that particular theme in the poem.
I hope you don't take that as being condescending, that is not my intention. My goal is just to give you an honest criticism of this poem which might lead to improvement in its quality.
For what it's worth, I use ellipses all the time in casual writing, such as on the forums... I try to avoid using them in poetry though unless I have a very good reason for doing so.
EDIT: reading your poem again, I think in most, if not all of the places you used them, starting a new line would simply suffice, and where they're already at the end of a line simply take them away, or put a single period.
EDIT 2: Ironically, a recent poem I wrote contains an ellipsis:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/21482/
8th Jun 2011 7:45pm
i'm happy to receive your input, no worries there. You are correct in that I may have run out of things to say in this poem and become a tad lazy. It was written a few years ago with the pure intent of using a nautical theme at the request of a friend, so I'm thinking that I wasn't aiming for much else other than that specific goal..Your explanation was helpful in illustrating that to me in this case :) thanks!
