deepundergroundpoetry.com
Blue Eyes
She shimmers of life, this one, somehow
Even with her hair in disorder
In racing red
Silken and smooth
To easy to touch
To easy to lose
Mositen mouthwatering lips
But the beauty is in her eyes
Light blue pools of lust
Love and light hearted madness
Where what they held
And my heart
More importantly my cock
Hoping that my credit held
Even with her hair in disorder
In racing red
Silken and smooth
To easy to touch
To easy to lose
Mositen mouthwatering lips
But the beauty is in her eyes
Light blue pools of lust
Love and light hearted madness
Where what they held
And my heart
More importantly my cock
Hoping that my credit held
Published 7th Jun 2011
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comments 7
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The author encourages honest critique.
7th Jun 2011 7:34pm
This piece speaks to me on several levels, and each level works as well as the last! Nice job!
7th Jun 2011 8:03pm
I was kind of disappointed by this poem at the end because now I can't help but think it's about a blow-up doll. :-/
Anyway... I think there are some grammatical/spelling/typo issues going on, but I could be wrong.
Should the lines be:
"Too easy to touch"
"Too easy to lose"
Maybe I'm missing something.
"Mositen" I assume should be "Moisten".
and purely a guess here because it makes more sense to me but "where what they held" should be "were what they held".
If I'm totally wrong then fair enough, but those are some of the lines I tripped over which made reading the poem a little difficult.
Otherwise, nice tone and I agree with the initial comment that this poem certainly has a few different levels going on.
Anyway... I think there are some grammatical/spelling/typo issues going on, but I could be wrong.
Should the lines be:
"Too easy to touch"
"Too easy to lose"
Maybe I'm missing something.
"Mositen" I assume should be "Moisten".
and purely a guess here because it makes more sense to me but "where what they held" should be "were what they held".
If I'm totally wrong then fair enough, but those are some of the lines I tripped over which made reading the poem a little difficult.
Otherwise, nice tone and I agree with the initial comment that this poem certainly has a few different levels going on.
little story here. Maybe about falling for a 'lady of the night'? I like the ideas and angles you put into the last few lines but I agree with DB in the minor critiques. If you hone it a bit it'll shine up nicely, I think. :)
7th Jun 2011 11:48pm
cheers for the comments, very helpful and appreciate the time you took.
DB you are correct about the grammatical stuff. Being a slightly dyslectic fucker the old brain doesn't recognise these things.
Jolais have a think about who is falling for who.
DB as for the blow up doll that may say more about you than me.
DB you are correct about the grammatical stuff. Being a slightly dyslectic fucker the old brain doesn't recognise these things.
Jolais have a think about who is falling for who.
DB as for the blow up doll that may say more about you than me.
8th Jun 2011 4:09pm
9th Jun 2011 5:23am
14th May 2013 12:06pm
"light blue pools of lust"
"more importantly my cock "
My favorite lines...hot write! :-)
"more importantly my cock "
My favorite lines...hot write! :-)
