Recovery

 
What is happening?
I'm still grappling
But there is nothing
That'll take all the hate
that you made
or remove the sting
Of the words that I heard
When I learned
You were leaving me.

See this me?
This me that I want you to see?
This me that I'm willing to be
That is on my knees
Just so you'll love me

I can't fill this hole inside me
I need God to guide me
And though he's always beside me
I feel he can't find me
When its me who is blindly
Stumbling and trying
To find my way winding
But so seldom finding
Whatever it takes
To mend my mistakes
And heal all the breaks
That I've made to my own heart

The divot you left in my pillow
is nothing compared to the chasm
that you've left in my heart.

And the distance sowing
between us has been growing
exponentially from the very start.

But my mind keeps finding
ways of rewinding,
relaying and replaying
only the good parts;

I've become an inert expert
at standing still and
just by will
fast forwarding through
the tedious media, the numb minutia
of every normal moment,
holding tight to the euphoric
recall
and decollaging on the wall
a piece of artwork of the pedestal
I put you on.

And if I squint my eyes just right,
as I look up in this dim light,
I can almost make out what a perfect life
we could have together.

I want to taste the tang of champagne
and feel the warmth of your hands in mine
as we gaze into each others eyes
over the flame of a guttering candlelight.
But I'm allergic to alcohol and even more allergic to love.
And what I think may make me feel alive
will send skittering hives over my skin
and shut my throat before I can even begin
to wonder what it might be like
to feel anything but unrequited.

Because this love I think I need inside
disguises what I need to find –
which is true love, the meaning of life.
And has only once source,
my only recourse for no remorse.
And that source is God.

That which I decide
to call the one power, MOST high.
The only one on which I can rely,
in who I confide;
the one whom I've tried to hide
from all these years.
Through the lies and the tears,
the bruises and fears,
but it would appear
that the only one to mend these wounds,
to grant a boon is my savior.
My one creator,
the power that is greater
than me or you or any fool
who thinks they've got shit
figured out for themselves.

Life is a machination
that we will never understand;
Math, science and religion
are concepts created by man
to clarify God's plan
and take power into our OWN hands.
But reality is just too grand
to grasp,
and infinity is too limiting to last
and the world may never know the roots
to the truths it thinks are true.

But just between me and you,
I think these moments are too few
to let each day slip away
as we seek the wrong ways
to fill our days
and the holes in our hearts.

So let me return to the start,
where I was on my knees
begging you please, please just love me.

But this time let me focus
on the one thing that isn't hopeless,
and let my eyes, my ears
and my heart be open
to letting in a love that's true.

And now the "you" who I'm talking to
is NOT a fool
who will leave my heart bruised,
or a force that will ignore me
like all those before
but one who will restore me.
To sanity in this calamity,
this self-chosen insanity.
And finally relieve me of ME
so I can be
happy. Joyous. And free.