A Scoundrel’s Testimony

Having lately enjoyed a minor spate
Of undeserved success
I undertook a walking tour
To display my new finesse—
 
When I beheld an odd being walking
Upon the face of God’s green Earth,
Carrying itself with a prideful gait  
As though derived of noble birth.
 
I, then and there, appointed myself
A warden of the public good.
And decided it best not to tolerate  
Such critters in the neighborhood.
 
“You there!” I cried indignantly.
“What means this bold affront?
Your kind isn't wanted here,
If I may be so blunt!”
 
The creature stopped and regarded me
With a most unwonted eye,
And an icy chill ran through me
As the fanged mouth made reply.
 
“Are you speaking to me?” The varmint asked.
“Don’t take my question lightly!
Many a wretch now rues the hour  
They addressed me impolitely!”
 
I examined the creature’s girth, its claws,
Its distinctly evil pallor.
And concluded discretion was, indeed,
The better part of valor.
 
The aberration glared at me,
And surveyed me up and down
We’ll not discuss what happened next
(But I’m glad my pants were brown).
 
“I beg your pardon, sir.” I whined,
Failing to disguise my terror
“I took you for someone I thought I knew.
Please forgive my foolish error.”
 
“Stuff and nonsense!” the thing replied.
“You clearly lack a spine!
Now be off with you, or you’ll find my foot
Where the sun is loathe to shine!”
 
“And a good day to you!” I offered,
Sliding backward on prudent feet.
I then tipped my hat and turned my back
And beat a swift retreat.
 
These days I don’t care how odd they are.
I’ve resolved to not give a damn.
And to show how much I’ve changed my ways,
I'm now dating a bearded clam.