dear boyfriend

I am a terrible person.
I'm sorry you feel  
obligated to be romantically  
involved with me.
I do not deserve your respect,  
so I should
probably stop asking for it.
I am not worthy of kind words and easy hands.
All I do is make you mad.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm difficult,
thus validating your hateful, raging outbursts.
Your anger.
All the wrong you've done upon me.
If I don't want you to call me fat, I should probably lose some weight.
If I don't want you to call me ugly, I should probably wear more make up on my face.
And my soul, too, while I'm at it.
Maybe it will mask it.
All the ugliness dwelling within me as well.
I'm sorry.
If I don't want you to call me a whore, I should probably stop partaking in all the whorish activities  
that I never am.
I know I'm disgusting.
I know I am useless.
Worthless.
Unlovable.
Undesirable.
I'm sorry.
I know you would show me compassion and empathy if I earned it.
I know you would wipe away my tears,
hug me,
comfort and console me,
if I deserved it.
But I obviously deserve to be hurt.
To cry.
That's why you say all those terrible things, right?
I deserve to feel alone and abandoned.  
That's why you leave me, at my weakest moments.
I'm sorry I bother you so much, about wanting to feel as though you care about me.
I'm sorry I value my feelings over that TV show.
I didn't mean to cry so loud that you couldn't hear it.
I'm sorry.
I sometimes forget my emotions only matter when it's convenient
for you
to pay attention to me.
I'm sorry I look to you for love when you're busy
doing all those other more important things.
I know if I don't want you to throw all of my weaknesses and secrets in my face, out of anger,
I should stop confiding them in you.
I'm sorry I feed you the ammo to destroy me,
then have the nerve to get mad at you for utilizing it against me.
I'm sorry.
I know you'd tell me the truth, if my trust was important.
I'm sorry I push you to lashing out in unwarranted violence..
I'm sorry.
I know if we want this relationship to work, I have to compromise all the values I'd like to be maintained.
I know you try really hard to treat me the way I deserve.
I appreciate it, I really do.
Sometimes I forget that
 
I am not a human.
 
I am just your girlfriend.
 
I love you, and I am sorry.