The Introspective Process Of Coping With The Natural Disaster Of Honest Feelings

How the night seems to drag on  
when everything seems uncertain and your mind  
won't stop bitching about mistakes made during  
the day.
Drinking and smoking to take the edge  
off of the day that cut the  
skin like a knife through butter and  
drew blood.
Enjoying the silence for once in my  
life cause silence makes me whole again  
after giving myself away like a whore.
Thoughts of her and god all cutting  
through the buzz I've been holding onto  
all night like some holy relic from  
a life hardly lived.  
I just need it to go dark  
for a time.
Trying for nothingness,  
and once I become nothing perhaps my  
nerves could calm down for once.  
Sitting here alone feeling my independent spirit  
feel around for even ground,  
reading Lovecraft while thinking about real world  
horrors,  
and watching soft white tendrils of smoke  
rise up from my cigarette,  
faces staring back at me from within  
the smoke cloud like lower angels rising  
in ashen silence towards the cracks in  
the ceiling.
I smoke out of boredom cause what  
the hell else am I gonna do  
when the bells and whistles stop and  
I'm alone with my thoughts?  
My thoughts ain't purdy.
I can feel the cancer growing inside me,  
using my body as a womb,  
and I know that soon I will  
give birth to another death.  
 
I AM DAMAGED!
 
I've been fucked up for years now  
and crippled and bleeding out on this  
ground bathed in the brilliant RED-WHITE-BLUE  
neon of this XXX-rated freak show of  
a mind.  
Here the dancing girls always show more  
leg then the rest and the drinks  
are on the house if you show  
'em your scars and cry real tears  
of blood.  
 
And I was sick and falling  
 
And I was drunk and ranting
 
                             YOU LOOK DUMBFOUNDED  
 
as you stand there with those big  
dumb eyes of yours all wide with  
shock after seeing me stripped bare.
You're searching for something to say,  
some soft spoken words of comfort that  
might ease the pain if said in  
just the right way.
You'd give me your pity but you'd  
never fuck me,  
hold me when I cry,  
see me as an equal when I'm  
standing next to you.
I don't want the pain eased on bit!
I want to take your fragile face  
and shatter it into a million pieces,
smear shit and blood all over those  
pretty features of yours,
make you ugly and stinking just like me.  
 
I am toxic.
I am a liar.
I am a thief.  
 
I want you to know what it's  
like to have no clue who you  
are as you run wild out here  
in the wilderness trying to survive by  
any means you see fit.  
Then perhaps we'll cry together,  
when you finally know.  
I want you to know everything,  
every gut wrenching moment of the journey  
as if you'd been there,
till you can't wash the stench of  
cigarettes from your skin,
or the taste of vomit from your mouth.
I need you to feel this because  
I love you.
 
And I was sick and falling
 
And I was drunk and ranting
 
And I was sick and falling
 
When I look in the mirror I  
want to drive my fist into the  
glass until the blood flows and I  
feel something other than the sinking feeling  
I get when I see how bad  
it's gotten.  
I see tired eyes staring back at me,  
dried out skin,  
crazy fucked up hair,  
and three days worth of facial hair  
cause fuck 'em if they don't like  
how I look.  
I look like my father in a  
photograph all strung out and holding me  
up to the camera so I can  
flip the bird when I was six  
months old.  
Almost 30 years later I'm continuing the  
cycle in a drunken stupor,  
too many cigarettes,  
and countless long nights on the frayed  
edge of reality.  
 
And I was sick and falling
 
And I was drunk and rating
 
And I was sick and falling
 
I am at war within and without.
My words are ugly truth that I hope,  
in the end,  
will bring us closer together,  
that they will leave no doubt in  
your mind as to who I am,  
or what you have meant to me.  
Then again I never expect a happy ending.  
I always expect doom around the corner  
cause it's safer to  
be ready with  
all guns aimed right at the heart
of the matter.
 
I wonder what the fucking point is  
to all thisstruggle before walking away  
but seldom do I get an answer.
SO I KEEP MOVING FORWARD! because there's  
no place else to go.