Rock Bottom

When I could no longer feel,
feel the beat of my spirit,
and the only beat from my chest
sounded forlorn and lost.
Reduced to a repetitive jerking motion,
solely bent on keeping me awake,
broken but not alive.

Out of the weakness that sprang,
from that mechanically beating heart,
I was wishing death-
death on everything that made me, me.

I wished for the nightmares to swarm,
their swirling mass of agony to bring back the dark.
I felt it swallowing me whole in the stillness that night.
Fear was dulling every sense,
And oh, how I screamed.
Screaming so loud, with no noise coming out
Unable to drown out
the noise that was my inevitable failure.

I was withdrawing, back into my mind
In my old, familiar pit,
running endless circles around
the me I was then and who I want to be-
utterly split.

My imagination ran wild that night,
in my madness there came a voice.
A sound not possibly real, yet-
I heard it just the same.
There were no words, only incoherent noises.
So I was willing to chalk it up
to passing fancy
of what I so desperately wished it to be.

But if it was real,
I screamed in defiance,
I screamed out in fear,
I screamed until my lungs were about to burst-
For you to stop.
To shut up.
To leave me.
Don't look for me.

Don't look for me.

The pain was much too great,
And I get so angry most times- what gives me the right?
Because I've only ever just done this to myself.
Totally free-willing
into free-falling
Where I let myself have no help.

So there I was, putting my heart on the topmost shelf
And stupidly, I live expecting it not to fall.

This is insanity- classic
In my defiance- towards everything that's happened to me.
I seize control of what damages or does no damage to me.
To be able to say, triumphantly, I did this.
This time, it was all and only me.
It was my choice- my self-made control.

Yet, the illusion unsound, not secure, faulty
And I feel myself on the cusp of seeing clearly
But of stupid Hope that I cling to vainly.
Yet, I kept asking it to stop- I screamed
To drown out that voice- to cease his prayers,
I screamed, ironically, for silence.

But... above all, my cry was for him to cease looking.
Frantically, desperately, I wanted him to un-want me.
Please.
Don't want me.
I won't repeat myself anymore,
too many questions about my stability- about my security.
You shouldn't want me because I am less
than what you deserve- so one last time, stop looking
For me.

This is the cliff I throw myself from.
This was the day I had hit rock bottom.