deepundergroundpoetry.com
I'll be fine once the tune fades
This gold ain't goin' down easy
rough like burn and scrape down my throat
but I'll take it to feel that sway
under quiet stars tonight.
Didn't know it could take me
but it's got me fair
only another fiberglass pony
rusted off the carousel
but the music was so fine --
and I could drop it
so easy
if a hush would silence the songs.
No, I ain't takin' this stride so easy
feet tripping, catching and kicking at
every dip in the road
but I'm good
once the whistle
wears off
of
my
lips.
rough like burn and scrape down my throat
but I'll take it to feel that sway
under quiet stars tonight.
Didn't know it could take me
but it's got me fair
only another fiberglass pony
rusted off the carousel
but the music was so fine --
and I could drop it
so easy
if a hush would silence the songs.
No, I ain't takin' this stride so easy
feet tripping, catching and kicking at
every dip in the road
but I'm good
once the whistle
wears off
of
my
lips.
Published 18th May 2011
| Edited 9th Jun 2011
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likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 8
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
How did you manage to fuse smooth with intense? You freakin' rocked this one, sweetheart, marvelous job!
19th May 2011 7:19am
Anonymous
19th May 2011 8:44am
I like the shape of your poem.
19th May 2011 10:38am
19th May 2011 9:56am
I like the way you used every style you liked to form a poem that is very soft and gentle but dabbed with hard edges thanks to structure. Nice work, J :D
19th May 2011 10:39am
19th May 2011 10:15am
Beautiful. I'm generally of the opposite view (when I'm at my most painful, I want the music as loud as it can go), but it feels so human nonetheless. My favorite part is the first stanza with the romanticized aura it sets up for the rest of the poem. It dips a bit in the middle in my opinion, but catches up strong again at the end.
Thanks, Mike. I agree, the middle was sagging so I tried some tightening up. I'll have another look at it later on again as well. Always appreciate your honest feedback. :)
