Its You Time....My son...I wont run

You are traveling tonight to meet me tomorrow....scared Son? I am trembling with fright....I gave u up a long time ago...never thought you would come never thought you would wanna know....I am a  coward I guess...now I cant fake it You are a Man... no more can I lead yoy to lies with my evil mommy scams....I have to tell u the truth why I chose drugs and not you...Why somebody else filled  my Mommy shoes....Now im sober been that way for a lot of years...you ask me that why I choke up the real tears....Ill have no real answer except the really harsh truth....no fake answer will make it go away no sugar on coating no tears of the lie...no more can I fake a fake smile. You have every right to tell me you hate me or love me either way my guilt will drip out today. The pictures of you threw the years didn't hit me till today...That th man u have become is the son I gave up I gave birth to you and sent you away...so I could get high that day....I didn't buy you milk or diapers I chose to be a pill popper I chose to fly meth kites...and drool with cocaine...I did every drug I could steal for or fight I did what I could to make myself right...I was a young teen who got pregnant in a time of drug sex I couldn't even tell you the day it all happened I was driving a boat with no captain no water or waves just me the pirate no mother to a small baby boy who became a brave fighter....to hear YOU WANNA COME SEE ME...scared me so bad it a
word to describe my new fear and it was awesomely....if you choose to forgive me I can promise you this and keep  it 100% real you have stolen my guilt and made it very real....I am ready to be judged but please though I shouldn't have a choice do it once and do it with a voice....Let me feel like in the past I was numb...the real hurt you can pain me my son...once you are done maybe we can runite as mother and son and to you I promise this time I listen and not run....I let you back me in a corner and in the end ill take a slap or a hug...ill let you have the moment you deserve and the moment I need as well...remember this is both our hearts and we should treat them well bc maybe we can both climb out of this untrusting hell.