The Ten Plagues Of Egypt (in just over 700 words)

The Greatest of All Disasters!
The Ten Plagues of Egypt!
(As the Bible would have you believe)
 
1. Water to Blood. Kind of gross when you think beyond
  rich crimson waterways flowing merrily along
  It was actually ALL the water in Egypt
  Streams, pools and even in containers
  Happy Nights for ancient Egyptian vampires
  but thirsty days for the common working people
  And when blood congeals it is lumpy stinky stuff
 
2. Frogs! What? How did that make the list?
  Seems they were really reaching
  when this abundance of amphibians
  ran a muck in streets, churches, bakeries,
  bathrooms, bedrooms, schools, and
  sarcophagus manufacturing establishments.
  Seemed like a no-brainer to gather those
  little hoppers up for dinner even in light
  of the hunger and thirst from all the
  blood water of the previous malady.
 
3. Gnats and Lice. Yeah it just got worst.
  We know how annoying a few gnats can be
  and now they were thick and everywhere.
  And lice infecting every dark follicle
  in the land...the scratching of heads
  and swatting of gnats
  All dates were officially postponed if
  not outright cancelled during this one
 
4. Flies! Buzzing bastards mingling freely
  with gnats and competing for landing places
  with lice in an all out insect orgy
  Fly strip vendors couldn't keep up with
  demands and humble family businesses ruined
  Bats, spiders, and the remaining frogs
  from plague two fed well but even they
  were pushed to the limits of their appetites
 
5. Livestock Diseased! Now come on! Why blame them?
  The wrath of God in those days extended to
  the heartless infestation of innocents merely
  to punish the few offenders...hardcore God!
  Beasts of burden may have been willing to die
  as even the most talented tail swingers
  could never hope to keep up with endless
  pestering gnats, flies, and overfed frogs
 
6. Boils! Painful puss filled eruptions
  on the skins of all unfortunate Egyptians
  Primitive dermatologists had fortunes to be made
  if they hadn't reserved their stocks
  for themselves and their families
  And this nasty tribulation was not reserved
  to man alone for beasts again shared the misery
  Again all dates and face to face meetings
  suspended for the duration of this affliction
 
7. Thunder and Hail. This intended misfortune
  must have seemed like a blessing, literally,
  from Heaven as thirsty, frog stomping,
  bug infested, boil bursting man and beast alike
  saw ice balls falling from the sky
  waiting to be merely gathered up for sucking,
  and throwing at their uglier infected
  neighbors...a humorous respite in tragedy
 
8. Locusts! Great...more insects on the way
  but they don't really bother the already
  burdened citizens of Royal ancient Egypt
  They merely devour all crops and plant life
  making those diseased livestock look pretty
  tasty about 4 days without rice.
  And those insect stuffed predators cannot
  be counted on for more help
  No really, they are quite full, thank you
 
9. Darkness for Three whole days! Um, big deal
  I think we've established that the less light
  available for viewing the surroundings was
  really for the best of all involved.
  In the dark there were only the noises
  to offend the ears of those not yet driven mad
  Burping and croaking frogs, buzzing bugs,
  suffering oxen and calves, weeping face holding
  teenage girls, cloud roars, and munching grasshoppers
 
10.And the grand finale...Death of all First born
  From the children of the pharaohs, the kids of
  servants and slaves alike to the very multiple
  accursed beasts in the barren, eaten fields.
  When you offended Old Testament God Almighty
  He blasted some deep suffering on everything
  It must have been quite a mess to clean up
  in the aftermath and many of the common folk
  probably never knew that season of madness
  was all a divine power demonstration
  to persuade the stubborn Pharaoh that
  it would be in his best interest
  to let the Hebrews leave quietly or else...
 
  So after meticulous and numerous recounts
  the number of words is six hundred fifty eight up to HERE
  Leaving me just enough words to thank you for this read
  and consider our fortune for living in less biblicle times.
  And don't attempt to hold God's Chosen People hostage
  Apparently he takes massive offense and is not above
  a little overkill to get his point across.
 
  [Entered in 700 Word Disaster Competition 4/8/2015]