deepundergroundpoetry.com
His First
This is my first erotica so honest advice would be helpful :)
I couldn’t help but notice
Your delicate eyes
And your firm body
I didn’t know your name
But I know I wanted you
I walked up to you one day
And commented on your shirt
Cause we both love metal
We got to know each other
And one day
It slipped
I said “I want you”
Right out of nowhere
I started to freak out
I thought you’d think I’m a freak
But you didn’t
You just smiled and said
“I thought you would never say it”
I looked up at you and smiled
And knew this was gonna be amazing
We went back to your house
And laid out on the couch
We let our tongues dance
In one another’s mouths
You lifted off my shirt
And kissed down my neck
Biting my neck on the way down
That I couldn’t help but yelp from
You licked down to my chest
And nibbled on my tit
It was kind of odd to me
But I couldn’t help but love it
I grabbed your tight ass
As you started undoing my pants
And biting my neck
Oh God, you’re amazing baby
I rip off your shirt now
As you pull me out of my pants
And into your mouth
Back and forth your tongue goes
Upon my shaft and head
You’re a master baby
It feels so fucking good
You suck harder and harder
Faster and faster
Deeper and deeper
More baby more!
My entirety in your warm mouth
The wetness of your tongue pleasuring
I’m not gonna last much longer
Baby I’m gonna cum!
Oooohh babbbyyyyy!!!!
As you wipe my seed of your lips
You smile and kiss me softly
And whisper into my ear
“How did my first suck feel?”
Owned by Dustin Smith: Bastardofbodom666
I couldn’t help but notice
Your delicate eyes
And your firm body
I didn’t know your name
But I know I wanted you
I walked up to you one day
And commented on your shirt
Cause we both love metal
We got to know each other
And one day
It slipped
I said “I want you”
Right out of nowhere
I started to freak out
I thought you’d think I’m a freak
But you didn’t
You just smiled and said
“I thought you would never say it”
I looked up at you and smiled
And knew this was gonna be amazing
We went back to your house
And laid out on the couch
We let our tongues dance
In one another’s mouths
You lifted off my shirt
And kissed down my neck
Biting my neck on the way down
That I couldn’t help but yelp from
You licked down to my chest
And nibbled on my tit
It was kind of odd to me
But I couldn’t help but love it
I grabbed your tight ass
As you started undoing my pants
And biting my neck
Oh God, you’re amazing baby
I rip off your shirt now
As you pull me out of my pants
And into your mouth
Back and forth your tongue goes
Upon my shaft and head
You’re a master baby
It feels so fucking good
You suck harder and harder
Faster and faster
Deeper and deeper
More baby more!
My entirety in your warm mouth
The wetness of your tongue pleasuring
I’m not gonna last much longer
Baby I’m gonna cum!
Oooohh babbbyyyyy!!!!
As you wipe my seed of your lips
You smile and kiss me softly
And whisper into my ear
“How did my first suck feel?”
Owned by Dustin Smith: Bastardofbodom666
Published 15th May 2011
| Edited 20th Mar 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th May 2011 7:40pm
15th May 2011 8:14pm
couldn't find a rhythm to it even though I know I found one in a couple stanzas so it held me back from truly feeling it. Other then that it was great work and I liked the story.
I couldn’t help but notice
Your delicate eyes
And your firm body
I didn’t know your name
But I (know) I wanted you << change this to \'knew\'. It should either be \'i know i want you\' or \'i knew i wanted you\'
\'I walked up to you (one day)<< \'one day\' makes it sound like a random encounter and makes it feel cold, whereas the previous stanza suggests that you had watched/admired him for some time. Maybe take the \'one day\' part away or change that line a little.
And commented on your shirt
(Cause) we both love metal <<\'cause\'? isn\'t \'because\' ok? that is just a preference for me and completely up to you to change, but imo, it makes this piece seem a little immature.
\'We got to know each other
And one day\' << you also use \'one day\' here. This one is fine, so long as you take the one i mentioned previously away.
\'It slipped\'
\'I said “I want you”
Right out of nowhere
I started to (freak) out <<
I thought you’d think I’m a (freak)<< twice
But you didn’t\'
\'You just smiled and said
“I thought you would never say it”
I looked up at you and smiled
And knew this was (gonna) be amazing\' << gonna?
You lifted off my shirt
And kissed down my (neck)<< \'neck\' twice feels repetitive.
Biting (my neck) on the way down << \'Biting it* on the way down\' maybe?
(That) I couldn’t help but yelp (from)<< imo, \'that\' and \'from\' just over dramatize this line, trim it down by removing these two words, we can still get the point and the eye can run smoother over it.
(But) I couldn’t help but love it << taking away that \'but\' at the beginning would give this more impact.
\'My entirety in your warm mouth
The wetness of your tongue pleasuring
I’m not (gonna) last much longer << \'gonna\' again
Baby I’m gonna cum!
Oooohh babbbyyyyy!!!! << this just sounds funny rather than erotic. If you remove this, i think this whole stanza would hold a bit more weight.
As you wipe my seed of your lips << 'off' not of
You smile and kiss me softly
And whisper into my ear
(“How did my first suck feel?”)<< this is confusing. if he whispered into \'your\' ear, why is he saying \'how did \'my\' first suck feel\'?
was it his first time sucking? or your first time receiving? you have to be a little clearer in order to end this well.
These are just my opinions and suggestions. What you do with them, is up to you
If you re-work it, let me know so i can come check it out again
Your delicate eyes
And your firm body
I didn’t know your name
But I (know) I wanted you << change this to \'knew\'. It should either be \'i know i want you\' or \'i knew i wanted you\'
\'I walked up to you (one day)<< \'one day\' makes it sound like a random encounter and makes it feel cold, whereas the previous stanza suggests that you had watched/admired him for some time. Maybe take the \'one day\' part away or change that line a little.
And commented on your shirt
(Cause) we both love metal <<\'cause\'? isn\'t \'because\' ok? that is just a preference for me and completely up to you to change, but imo, it makes this piece seem a little immature.
\'We got to know each other
And one day\' << you also use \'one day\' here. This one is fine, so long as you take the one i mentioned previously away.
\'It slipped\'
\'I said “I want you”
Right out of nowhere
I started to (freak) out <<
I thought you’d think I’m a (freak)<< twice
But you didn’t\'
\'You just smiled and said
“I thought you would never say it”
I looked up at you and smiled
And knew this was (gonna) be amazing\' << gonna?
You lifted off my shirt
And kissed down my (neck)<< \'neck\' twice feels repetitive.
Biting (my neck) on the way down << \'Biting it* on the way down\' maybe?
(That) I couldn’t help but yelp (from)<< imo, \'that\' and \'from\' just over dramatize this line, trim it down by removing these two words, we can still get the point and the eye can run smoother over it.
(But) I couldn’t help but love it << taking away that \'but\' at the beginning would give this more impact.
\'My entirety in your warm mouth
The wetness of your tongue pleasuring
I’m not (gonna) last much longer << \'gonna\' again
Baby I’m gonna cum!
Oooohh babbbyyyyy!!!! << this just sounds funny rather than erotic. If you remove this, i think this whole stanza would hold a bit more weight.
As you wipe my seed of your lips << 'off' not of
You smile and kiss me softly
And whisper into my ear
(“How did my first suck feel?”)<< this is confusing. if he whispered into \'your\' ear, why is he saying \'how did \'my\' first suck feel\'?
was it his first time sucking? or your first time receiving? you have to be a little clearer in order to end this well.
These are just my opinions and suggestions. What you do with them, is up to you
If you re-work it, let me know so i can come check it out again
