dentro, zozo le skizo "double-bind"

as the most lucide poet of dup, vandel said in his poem astrigent orphan:

one have to be rather outloud and rockus
instread of spreading the bell of mourn.
easy said but no use, no chance to realise to speak like cyanide kid 102 use to.
when you in in iron gloves of psychiatric Mafia, closed in loony bin .

the outmost of savage i am the most outcast.. and resistance is illegal..
i am ashame to be a german! the mortal pain!..

to feel here like intergallactic hostage of imperealistic scum is indeed a rare pleasure.

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbut, fuck it.

and again words to imaginaere ami, while fernando pessoa trembles by seeing me scribe THIS, insead of of scribe : only for insane!

look my dear , i have been during my life married, liasoined, in free love, divorced, abandoned, traited, raped, unnumber of times severely sinisterely heartbroken.

i had honnorrea, herpes, trichomanada, exema, facial pareze, mites and lice. i slept unprotected with strangers, reaching them them my body and soul , my tiny love and giving them delight. eat my legs, eat my tits, penetrate my vagina, fuck my ass..in the youth when i was a call girl , a putaine,is sometimes happened the john didnt payed and there were not just one john but four who raped me. but this rapes i swear you, dear, isnt comparable on humilitation and pain with with what i in last ten years "experienced" so to speak from my deeply beloved and admired -majesties-friends-artists, male artists, who control me through my sexuality , solding my pour skeleton and tortured spirit to some eidolon medial hoax , coercing me "act like i live here" to prove myself as artist.(what i am no longer am and what i never would ever wish to be) or just prove myself like a "female"..i find myself in "double-bind" , this mean if i want to fight sexism, i musat deny my own sxuality. at the same time feminism cannt be about the denial of any female sexuality. i feel not like a girl not like a woman, since none let me chance to feel like that. rather i feel again like beaten clown, this weared tortured young graffity sciber maxim illedoff, who i was in 2007, after weirdly kicked out of my amiticia-kinship with dEMETRA:

the time in early youth when i was a prostitute, a whore, it was my choice, it was for me kinda of embodiment of free love, whereas i controlled my body , emotions, thoughts ansd life, despite some damage i experienced in this sexual arena.

Now, they< , my male-friends-artists are my pimps, who sold "my many talents" like Demetra said like a fish on myrketin medial hoax of Imperialistic Scum. tree month of my life in stoped sleep with strangers becausei fehlt in love and gave the orders of my clients to my girlfriends and got part of money from it. it was most libre salon, save and amiable with only decent clients and we were all this tree month like one family. it was 22 years ago ago and i feel no misere about my time like sexworker. only may be, mea culpa natascha, my ethereal blond extravaganza, you introduced me to the duke love and me you to prostitution. mea culpa!.. now tortured weirdly sold nby man-artist they just control my life through my sexuality.their cynic absolvation, sardonic sarcasm, lie after lie, teasing, and mosat ugly hyping me to become "somebody", me most hidden indie robotnik, ..and any of these bruise broked the woman in me, i feel like a man to opposite ogf these heavyweightchampions. lapse of any slightest inch of dignity. being long time their nigger, feeling for beauty and arts, i being in duty to create indie dada amiticia between us, I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN A POWER OF LOVE!...

but finnaly became scavender, who cleaned town of their horrible scum, fight with fraffity -scriebers, , became a perro semihundido, and always lonely punk, which's hell and futile resistance no one punk i met yet grasped.

my any trial to write letters , to speak of tyranie of oppression, of tyranie of unimaginative , about fight with guerrilla warfare against all possible sexists, cops and mindcontrollers All those bloody trial to writwe lettter with few allegebly akin-underdogs failed in ends tragically, in Big VOID. i dont needed your compassion but aid in fight based on friendship and love, not soliptism ansd egomania with Imperealistic spit in my eyes.

now please if your fancy : hold me for wronmg rat, and for false mole!
Brechtian "verwish die spuren" ist für mich nicht machbar.

[i]here alone in my world
i am unable to graspe the meaning
of another flare

my fire, my green goods
my life, my troubled mind
my lethargy, mine alone,
my kingdom, mine alone,#
i fly i soar
i dont feel the air i dont sense the soil
in this world of black and white
burning by the green condoned[/i


Yet baby-people for my trason of viaclovsky, of juean, of antonin, of gerar, of camille, of i choose your most severe Inquisition,
i want be executed like most disdained criminal , for my treason.