im sorry, its not you, its me

with every thrust,
i stared at the ceiling,
only to glimpse back at him,
as he stared intensly into my eyes,
i felt him,
his hands on my hips,
his nose on my nose,
the pulsating movement of his cock,
as he hammered it into my pussy,
i would turn my head away,
he would moan louder,
all i could think about was, "are we done yet"
on a rise, i invited him over.
he was craving me,
i was craving human touch,
he fucked me long and hard,
i laid there,
gripping the blankets underneath us for life,
i couldn't let go enough to release my frustrated energy on his average sized cock.
god, i wanted to.
i wanted to dominate his young ass.
he was ripe,
teachable,
i could have turned him into a sexual god,
i could have done a lot of shit.
instead i just laid there,
quiet,
motionless,
staring at him as the volcano inside him erupted inside that condom,
as his eyes rolled into the back of his head,
as he collapsed on my chest,
and nuzzled his goatee into my tits,
wrapping his arms around me,
telling me, at that moment, he loved me.
i let him lay there, circling my nipples softly with his fingertips,
i just stared at that ceiling, with my hands interlocked underneath my head,
i casually looked at the clock and noticed it was 2 am,
i pulled myselfout from underneath him,
i could feel the condom dried on my leg and i softly moved his limp dick from my body.
i put on a sweatshirt and some shorts and told him he had to leave, i had to work in the morning.
he woke up half dazed and said he wanted to spend the night.
i just stayed quiet.
he pushed me down on my bed,
ripped my shorts off and proceeded to feverishly lick my pussy,
as if to persuade me to allow myself to emotionally connect with him.
i didnt stop him,
i let my body thank him as his facial hair began to be drenched with my nectar.
i told him he couldn't.
he asked me why.
"i just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, and i dont want what you do"
"i want you"
"i'll call you later".
he was a mistake.
and i dont have the heart to hurt him the way i was.
so i will forever ignore his texts of pleasing me,
and hope one day he will forgive me,
but we'll always have that night i stared at the ceiling,
trying to fight my anguish, asking, what the fuck am i doing?