deepundergroundpoetry.com
Red Granite Stone
Only a red granite stone marks where I lay
No words of love or wonder on it say
Who I was or if I had been loved
Soon lost to all but God up above
Amongst the headstones of those long gone
I lay there quietly under that red granite stone
Soon any who knew of my birth
Will also lie quietly beneath the earth
Then only this red granite stone
will be here to say that I was born
No time to live, my life taken away
I died upon my first birthday
This red granite stone will always be
the only home ever known to me
An angel of God I will always be
Guardian of my family
(NOTE: this is still a bit choppy and needs some work. I'm open to any and all suggestions on this one)
No words of love or wonder on it say
Who I was or if I had been loved
Soon lost to all but God up above
Amongst the headstones of those long gone
I lay there quietly under that red granite stone
Soon any who knew of my birth
Will also lie quietly beneath the earth
Then only this red granite stone
will be here to say that I was born
No time to live, my life taken away
I died upon my first birthday
This red granite stone will always be
the only home ever known to me
An angel of God I will always be
Guardian of my family
(NOTE: this is still a bit choppy and needs some work. I'm open to any and all suggestions on this one)
Published 11th May 2011
| Edited 14th May 2011
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13th May 2011 9:38pm
I like the use of rhyme scheme here, it makes it feel quaint, like a one-year-old actually is speaking. Overall it's a good idea for a poem, I love wandering around cemeteries looking at all the stones and wondering about the people buried beneath. I think the line "Soon lost to all but God's precious dove" sounds forced into the rhyme; perhaps changing it to "Soon lost to all but God above" would work better. And while I think both "Soon any who knew of my birth/Will also lie quietly beneath the earth" and "An angel of God I will always be/Guardian of my family" are good lines, they sort of conflict with one another; you can't be guardian of a family that's no longer there, right? Overall I like this piece, and like you said it could use some polishing.
14th May 2011 8:17pm
Thanks for the input..
One thing though, I don't really feel that "soon any who knew of my birth" and "guardian of my family" truly conflict. Just b/c those who actually knew, doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't family still living, just family that knows about the "red granite stone where I lay" are all gone.
One thing though, I don't really feel that "soon any who knew of my birth" and "guardian of my family" truly conflict. Just b/c those who actually knew, doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't family still living, just family that knows about the "red granite stone where I lay" are all gone.
