Fundamentally Broken (a life in progress)

When I was just five
Something broke inside
And I wanted to die
For a long time after

I tried to hide
Inside my mind
Wearing a mask outside
Made of fractured laughter

As time went by
I tried to push it aside
And leave it behind
And start over

But it was too stuck
In the way that I talked
And the way that I walked
To really cover

So I just kept going,
Fundamentally broken
No more to be spoken
Until years and years later

But the shame and the guilt
Smothering like a quilt
Seem so deeply built
Into my system

And the darkness just lies,
"The demons can't be exorcised"
But I hope to surprise
Myself by living

But even after I'm done
And the heartache is gone
It won't be fun
Filling their space

But life isn't a race.