Who Am I?

     Who is the real me? The inner self of me is always struggling with changes and expressing the narrative of my life to me. The real me is Hip Hop. The real me is a Warrior Scholar, Philosopher Artist, Revolutionary, Comedy Nerd, Tiger Brother, Troubadour, Paramour, and much more. The real me skateboards even when it's dark and rainy. The real me rises to challenges and sees life as a strategy game in which freestyle is the ultimate prize. The real me craves the joyous essence of flow. The real me is so alive for the simple, effortless success of being utterly focused and captivated by a task. The mercurial nature of the real me brings joy as I am fascinated by the world. I don't want to live forever. I want to live in forever-days, infinite thoughts, smiles that stretch my face. The real me loves so much of living. The real me speaks in rhyme without warning. Each and every morning the real me opens my spirits up at the temple of Hip Hop.

     I wake up and take in Hip Hop by the album as I stretch and warm up. Most days I'll rhyme freestyle soon as I wake up just to set the bar high for how I want to roll that day. The real me activates many parts of my brain in the morning, explores other people's feelings and tries to relate to them. The real me attempts to fully take in other people's memories, fears, love, trials and experience them in mindful meditation. I am increasing my empathy every morning. The real me holds, understands and releases other people's nightmares. I open my eyes sometimes and feel body parts that aren't mine, replete with medical history, pain, memories, favorite food, hobbies, music. Those dreams can take me anywhere, anywhen and when I get drawn into them I hold onto a piece of whoever I was during that dream. The energy of waking up is sacred to me. Life is love. To be awake, to be aware, to think and feel is holy. Waking up is a choice to embrace life. The real me has so much life collected that to be awake is to climb higher rungs everyday. I am a mercurial spirit, and the universe inside of me expands every day. Morning rituals for me are about honoring mental chambers. I crave the freedom of my internal energy, the release of my spirit force, my ch'i. The mornings I spend alone are mornings that feel like church, except that I tell the truth. Preparing to be the best of me does not involve straining. Showering, brushing my teeth, texting savvy Queens, reading poetry or science, listening to Hip Hop, stretching, doing Tai Ch'i, martial arts, all sets me right, nourishes my mind and soul. A million positive thoughts are scrolled through, every 10 or so paused so I can just reflect on self-contentment.

     I feel as though all of the mental activities I exercise are priming me to be my best self in each endeavor. The real me is a constant striver. I'm not a perfectionist. I'm sloppy and a slacker. That's the real me. I'm also quite precise, disciplined and driven. That's the real me. I am at peace, balancing the dichotomy of me. The real me hears music when there is none playing and then dances to it. I don't give a damn about being embarrassed. That's not 100% true, but I embrace social freedom and revel in my dorkiness. I've been openly expressing my world with song, dance, scat, rap, drawing, martial arts and not stopping to appease anyone's delicate sensibilities for years. Whenever anyone talks about repressing natural behavior, I feel charged inside, motivated to break the bindings of social mores. Nobody should give a fuck if you are throwing air kicks or dancing. Just because someone else doesn't feel precisely what you're feeling doesn't require you to accommodate for their hang ups. A lot of social conformity comes from accommodations of our real selves. This is real, but this is tragic.

     Everyone is born unique. To be sure unique is defined as pure, which is to say, true, genuine without taint or tarnish. New, in tune. Our lives make us marred, mold us into functional beasts that exist in part as individuals and part as cogs in the social machine. Being the real you is a mysterious and dangerous endeavor. You can get beaten for being the real you. You can get fired for expressing yourself fully. You can lose friends by complete honesty. You can show your desire, your wit, your sexual appetite and then hit a wall. But on the other hand, turning meek, hiding your real face, allowing others to dictate the terms of your interactions dulls your real self until you forget who you are.

     The world is full of jocks vs. nerds. Haves & Have Nots. Dicks, assholes, pussies. Assholes shit all over everything. Pussies get fucked. Dicks fuck pussies and assholes. The world is warped from social buying power, social hierarchy, social expectations. Standing up to all the people who seek to tell you what you're about, what you want, what your thoughts are is the first step to claiming the YOU slice of the universe. If you hold yourself with purpose and confidence and still act as you, then your world is yours. The consequence of holding down your world includes seeing everything in a new way. As in everyday, every waking experience is new. You are responsible for yourself. Everything that happens, you allowed to happen. Anything someone tells you about yourself is just intended first to support their worldview. People see you, decide what role you play in their life, what you should do, based on their life. It's hard to know what someone else wants, needs, thinks, when you only know your own world. Other people's worlds drift and intersect with ours, form converged bubbles, blend and separate again. During that time we are still accountable for all that occurs, but there's someone else's agenda and energy in the mix. If you can express all your quirks, goof off, make your noises, turn a phrase as only you do, ask for what you want, be upfront about feelings and your friends are able to do the same around you, then the real you is magnified. When you adapt yourself fully and accept others fully, your shared world is stronger. The courage and freedom that comes from embracing life fully uplifts me to see my whole life as a stream of consciousness. Once you begin to be you all the time life demands to be loved righteously and it becomes harder to ever be less than 100%

     Like-minded explorers on the journey of life make us truly appreciate our triumphs and challenges. If your friends all hold you to a standard of self-honesty, full expression and consistency to who you are then the world is a growing garden for you again. Like-minded people who are of comparable intelligence, relate-able experience, similar goals can elevate and challenge us to be our best. One of your own tribe who likes and accepts your quirks, humor, style and matches with "Me, too!" or experiences and traits that they can bring up to rapport and bond is a branch of your heart. The exponential rate of growth a child undergoes tends to fall off in adulthood. Being around your own people makes you grab the world like a child again, but without all the restrictive bullshit. When you can be all of yourself and your friends are all on your level, adulthood is childhood again and whole new plateaus open. The world is infinite.

     Our lives are private and public. When our private thoughts are made public, then openly accepted by our friends we grow and open whole new chambers to share. Our lives are for us to enjoy and live fully. To set up your life for joy, laughter, good friends is to spoil yourself. If your day is geared to keep you thinking, smiling, growing, then childhood exuberance and vibration will emanate in everything you do. Welcome to your own life.

     There's a certain contentment in being able to be yourself. Myself is easy to find. Costly to keep. I don't know why anyone would want to re-mold others. The world is rich in diversity and people reflect every facet of possibility. It's easy to forget sometimes that other people are on their own journey as well. It's when we embrace them as individuals that we really see them for who they are.

     It's too easy to get trapped into playing a role. At first it seems alright. You're just making some compromise. But when you're forced to modify your speech, music selection, life goals, medical needs, occupational control, then you're being re-molded. I've been preened, trained, polished, packaged and marketed for so long. I've learned what it means to be a free agent. Nobody can decide my morals. I carve my own path. I guide my decisions by my own experience and instinct. I am a Warrior Scholar and there will never be another me. Anyone who wants to decide my path is lost and looking to enslave a native guide. I am a native born revolutionary.