I want to... (trigger warning)

I want to die.
I want to just fall into a hole and wait for someone to rescue me.
I want to cut so deep that the blood will just pour out if me like a river.
I want to take all the pills and just sit there slowly dying.
I want to take the gun out if the safe and just pop it, one shot and I am gone.
I want to drink every beer and bottle of wine in the house and just have a hang over, at least I wont have to deal with the reality.
I want to sleep every hour away just sleep for the rest of my life, is that an option?
I want to be loved, is that too much to ask for
I want to be happy not just for a minute.
I want to be everything that everyone wants me too be.
But even if I am everything that everyone wants me to be, why  can't I be who I want to be?
I want to die because nothing ever goes right.