deepundergroundpoetry.com
falling down, falling down
he left, a little like my real love's real love
a goodbye until i-don't-know-when
taking a rib or two with him
it'll be ok though
our heads didn't match up much anyway
full of rather different marbles
through which we roll the world
blood types no good for each other either
too cluttered
opposing signs
mathematically incorrect
and i do not mourn
the fire-breathing dragon in his belly
the one that belches toxicity
so easily ignited
by any portion of his long
ambiguous list of magic words
but we stuck it for the good things
though shadows insisted upon usurpation
he tried to form a haven in the chaos I tread --
he'd never met these currents
i read ahead the last few pages
soon after most of our book had been torched
burns on my neck still seeping
his stick-n-stone London Bridge heart
eaten by the tides
we weren't even really meant
to get this far
a goodbye until i-don't-know-when
taking a rib or two with him
it'll be ok though
our heads didn't match up much anyway
full of rather different marbles
through which we roll the world
blood types no good for each other either
too cluttered
opposing signs
mathematically incorrect
and i do not mourn
the fire-breathing dragon in his belly
the one that belches toxicity
so easily ignited
by any portion of his long
ambiguous list of magic words
but we stuck it for the good things
though shadows insisted upon usurpation
he tried to form a haven in the chaos I tread --
he'd never met these currents
i read ahead the last few pages
soon after most of our book had been torched
burns on my neck still seeping
his stick-n-stone London Bridge heart
eaten by the tides
we weren't even really meant
to get this far
Published 20th Jan 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 20
reading list entries 3
comments 26
reads 1425
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Jan 2015 00:10am
beautiful work. the forlorn 'London Bridge heart' gives resonance to the title, which insists on repetition.
it well earns the banner of Poetry...
it well earns the banner of Poetry...
23rd Jan 2015 10:22pm
thanks, Jfed [:
it's a simple one, mostly as a tribute to how simple everything coulda/shoulda been, and ultimately, was. glad you liked it, mate. [:
it's a simple one, mostly as a tribute to how simple everything coulda/shoulda been, and ultimately, was. glad you liked it, mate. [:
21st Jan 2015 2:28am
Awww babe.... sad words...sometimes its just the getting while you can get it...
Having a little taste... until you find that favorite flavor that suits you better babe...
loved your words ..xo
Having a little taste... until you find that favorite flavor that suits you better babe...
loved your words ..xo
23rd Jan 2015 10:26pm
aye, it's all about learning something in the end, isn't it? thanks for caring for the words, though they all seem to have been sadder than not lately! [:
21st Jan 2015 7:58am
Its juz not falling...rolling down faster than expected..the poem's pace. as i read, i get a look of relief,a lightened feel on the bled narrator rising out of the suffocating clutches .. The last two stanzas hit hard..the first two stanzas create the settings n flow in ur woven metaphors apt to de scenes.
As ever, cud not add on to ur construction.
intense n uninterrupted n tones heard clear.
write on dear xx:)
As ever, cud not add on to ur construction.
intense n uninterrupted n tones heard clear.
write on dear xx:)
23rd Jan 2015 10:31pm
ah, thanks much, uma... i'm glad you could get a balance with the tones and found a flow here, because i tend to use a lot of mixed feelings... sometimes i'm not sure they're clear enough or if they're irritatingly obvious and/or jumpy. great feedback; as always, love your stop-bys [:
21st Jan 2015 2:43pm
Really love this. Great opening line, sets a familiarity with what is ultimately loss... such a romantic, and secretive seeming loss, and the making ok with it. The language is relatable and approachable, making the narrator easy to empathize with, but also has flashes of whimsy, sweeping the reader into that dreamy (terrible word , sorry) place where these romantic thoughts come from... shit comment, but really did like this a bunch...cheers! :-)
23rd Jan 2015 10:39pm
not a shit comment at all! in fact, you lot are the only reason this didn't get scrapped. [:
i'm really interested in the fact that a "secretive loss" came through there for you, because it wasn't intended but is exceedingly apt. so happy to please your eyes, LB, thank you much for letting me know the hows and whys [:
i'm really interested in the fact that a "secretive loss" came through there for you, because it wasn't intended but is exceedingly apt. so happy to please your eyes, LB, thank you much for letting me know the hows and whys [:
21st Jan 2015 7:08pm
23rd Jan 2015 10:41pm
gotta know i love ya, saxxman. many thanks for leaving me a little of yer heart. [:
26th Jan 2015 12:20pm
the theme being rather common you found a way to make this unique and absolutely a brilliant write. your style and word choices just perfect!!! felt the journey and even your strength.
27th Jan 2015 7:50pm
wow, that's awfully generous, thank you, stranger. always nice when someone can connect with a write, and a bonus that you feel a tired subject's got a little facelift here. [:
Anonymous
4th Feb 2015 9:13am
My dear….very pretty, and ever so slightly noble, with a touch of oh-fuck-it…..always a popular mix with those in the know…
You have such lovely control that when they fall right they waterfall….and this did.
hp
You have such lovely control that when they fall right they waterfall….and this did.
hp
7th Feb 2015 1:06pm
ah, it's a treat to hear these things from a control worker such as yourself, m'dear; though i didn't notice the nobility of the thing personally, i'm glad it deigned to pop itself in there anyway. love the waterfall, especially with the title. [:
thank you everso for gracing the page with your kind words [:
thank you everso for gracing the page with your kind words [:
Anonymous
8th Feb 2015 00:39am
A winnher righteous won poe-etess
roachmill
roachmill
8th Feb 2015 10:25am
Anonymous
29th Mar 2015 7:36pm
i feel like there are two forces at play here. on one hand, the speaker is glad to be rid of this fire breathing dragon. but on the other, it's like she almost misses him. and though she would never admit it, wants him back in her life. i may be completely off base, but that's the beauty of the written word. we each bring our own visions to dance along side the written pictures.
30th Mar 2015 3:03pm
aye, it's always a tug of war when something used to be good and turns out sour (as hard as it can be to avoid the bitterness)... i think she does miss him in a way, or misses what it might have been like if such toxicity hadn't killed off some of those nerve endings.
one of the things i love about poetry is how it can speak to people in entirely different ways and invoke one's own recesses...like you say, to dance alongside the written. thank you much for the read, and for leaving thoughtful feedback, Strategy. [:
one of the things i love about poetry is how it can speak to people in entirely different ways and invoke one's own recesses...like you say, to dance alongside the written. thank you much for the read, and for leaving thoughtful feedback, Strategy. [:
24th Dec 2015 8:38pm
Two thoughts come to mind here; Steve Winwood's "My Love's Leavin', and a dragon's fire breath...
16th Oct 2016 9:33am
apologies for never coming back this way to respond...always happy to see a bell has been dinged. [:
14th Jul 2016 9:55am
First three lines are excellent. I also really enjoyed
[opposing signs
mathematically incorrect
and i do not mourn
the fire-breathing dragon in his belly] as well as the penultimate strophe.
[opposing signs
mathematically incorrect
and i do not mourn
the fire-breathing dragon in his belly] as well as the penultimate strophe.
thanks very much for your feedback, Mabon [:
excellent when the phrase comes to you, to describe exactly how one may feel at the time....
excellent when the phrase comes to you, to describe exactly how one may feel at the time....
15th Oct 2016 2:28pm
you have such clarity in your writes
mixed with just enough poetic language
that makes your poetry so enjoyable..
this here gave me a mini-flashback
"but we stuck it for the good things
though shadows insisted upon usurpation
he tried to form a haven in the chaos I tread --
he'd never met these currents "
been there done that
almost drowned..
more than enjoy your writes..
i appreciate them as well
much respect Jestalessa
16th Oct 2016 9:47am
I've found, looking back, that I can go really cryptic, hiding behind what I want to say, but won't. other times, it kind of just sits there on the side of the road...is what it is. need to learn to lay it out fearlessly with flair....if I ever get that far. [:
glad to hit some human experience in ye.... aye, sometimes we just don't fit.
pleased to have you swinging through the catalogue, Naajir [:
glad to hit some human experience in ye.... aye, sometimes we just don't fit.
pleased to have you swinging through the catalogue, Naajir [:
12th Jul 2017 3:56pm
nicely written, the details of this piece would make for a wonderful novella.
Anonymous
- Edited 7th Sep 2022 7:45pm
18th Jul 2022 11:46am
<< post removed >>
