mum's driving this bus

I like the brevity. The language is simple, yet has alot of strength. The ending is excellent.  I think you could do a little more to transition between the two settings...but I like the vagueness to a certain degree.

Matt, thanks heaps for your constructive feedback. I went back and added the extra stanza as you suggested, I'm hoping what I've written gives some clarity and links what is being expressed by the mother figure in both halves of the poem and hasn't compromised the brevity that you found on the first read.

Thanks again for your great feedback.

i really like what you did with this

There is something about this piece that touched me, it could be to do with the novels I'm reading and the many desires they have evoked in me.

I adore these two stanzas  

"birds of paradise need a grand entry
a small vase by the front door
will never do
they need the space of a elegant hotel
a lobby with high ceilings
 
 
such a glorious flower
needs sunlight
to make a room come alive"

Wonderful Alexander.  :)

Your feedback made me think about the poem's strengths and because the garden in the intro was so important to the story, I've made a few changes to the first stanza to reinforce the link to the bird of paradise metaphor at the centre of the piece. Thanks heaps for your comment and support, Magda.

And now I understand why this piece touched me.  I went through it with my father until he died and those desires, all in a bag of "I need to start living again"  

I really liked your poem as it was :)  Still great work though with the changes.

I read this in one of two ways.  The son coming to grips with his mother's dementia as a result of alzheimer's (she did not turn to greet me), or his coming to terms with his own terminal illness and how's he going to take control in his final moments.

Matt is right the stark simple language give this it's power.

Solid ink Brotha.

Brotha thanks for the great feedback. It's exactly what I needed to tighten up a few screws of uncertainty with the clarity of voice in the piece. Based on your feedback and interpretation I changed the perspective of the narration from first person to third person, to help give the central character a clearer voice.
 
I'd be interested in your opinion on the edit, to see if I'm on the right track or if I've lost something with the changes.
 
Salute

such a fragrant breeze in the lang flows.. an altogether delicate style as if determined to do it with no big terms. Juz to concentrate on the plot u say in simplistic intensity. Agrees with Matt to gud extent, but the clever merging of two settings as it seems though still leaving airs for one to guess the transition, brings in a worthy twist. Agrees With Mag too, s3 n s4 are such soothing to senses.

Uma, thanks heaps for your great feedback. I was stoked to see that your perceptive eye picked up on the subtle transitions between the two settings, so I did my best not to tamper with the transition too much with the additional stanza, but I did agree with Matt that the extra stanza was necessary to make the poem less vague. Thanks again for your great support, for the reading list add... sorry about the lag with my reply.

Alexander,

The over all feel of this piece is one of such sweetly sad serenity, mo Chara.... yet,almost surrealistic in its undertones.

(if you are, indeed, comparing your mother to such a uniquely beautiful plant, then she so surely must be--{or, have been} a very regally,elegantly bhean `alainn!-- beautiful lady).

Each time i read this, i too am left with a sense that this woman has reached a time in her life, when she might be struggling with particular health issues that are preventing her from caring for herself properly...a time when intervention must take place....

a time when someone(You?) must relunctantly, but necessarily come forward to take charge---to become the 'bus driver'....to help her on this (final ?) leg of journey in life).

Either way,this piece somehow spoke to my soul with its simple, yet poignant and powerful presentation!  

Enchantress, I was very fortunate to get a lot of excellent feedback on my poem, which prompted me to edit and make a few necessary changes for the purpose of giving some clarity to a poem based on a very powerful and humbling experience in my life. I may have compromised on the surreal edginess that you got from your first impression of the poem, but hopeful the impact of the story has remained intact.    
     
Many of us have had someone in our lives who have been debilitated by a terminal illness. It's extremely confronting to watch a person's health deteriorate over months and years of treatment as they fight for their lives, yet from frailty, we are often humbled by our loved ones sheer determination to carry on the good fight as they do everything they can do to take back control of their lives. I also think when someone is faced with their own mortality, they have time to reflect on life itself and the pieces of wisdom they share are so subtle at times, if one is not listening, the true beauty of their message can be lost.  
     
Thank you again for your beautiful words of support.