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Words (Short Story)
Words
His mind is constantly at work, the gears constantly turning, working, analyzing. There is never a break, he never stops processing, never stops evaluating every idea, every mark, every detail, every punctuation of the entire world he lives in. All the information is in the words, but they spin by so fast all he sees in his mind is a dim distorted image. It takes extreme concentration to keep track of this blur, but he can never allow himself to be exhausted. His entire mind is caught in this fog of thoughts.
That's why he can't get enough of her. That's why he likes these moments so much, and he is careful to cherish them when they come along. She makes his mind stall, his thoughts freeze. His entire being is always constant of feeling, but being with her makes him feel a sweet numbness. In these moments, he can barely pull the words into his mind, muster up the strength to think, which is why the words he sees when he is with her are so precise, so clear. He doesn't have to think about them, they are self explanatory, and so very important to him. They come in flashes, bold black text against the faded white background, but he can see the individual word standing strong and tall, and then it's gone. He cherishes these words too, because he knows that only she causes them.
He has her all to himself right now, he couldn't help but smile and lean in. 'Control', the blur slows as the first word flashes through his mind the second he presses his lips to hers. The most important word that he must remember, the one word, an unspoken rule, 'Control', and then it's gone. He can't get enough of this taste on her lips, it's something sweet and warm and addicting. 'Tempt', it's there, then gone again. She leans her body weight against him and he slides his hands lightly around her waist, enjoying her presence so close. 'Tension' his fingers twitch on the smooth material of her clothes, he breathes though his nose in the small space between them. 'Control' his rule appears again, as if to remind him, anxiety on the edge of spilling over. He relaxes though, when he feels her fingers slide through the hair at the nape of his neck, 'Exertion' runs through his mind quickly. He moves one hand to her shoulder and the other to her cheek, caressing the soft skin. She shifts her weight and adjusts her thigh over his hip. The pressure feels nice and he blushes. A small groan escapes from the back of his throat before the obvious hits him. She has never done this before. 'Control' there it is again, and the the anxiety that was oh so carefully balanced spills over.
Then he thinks of all the words that she must have associated with this at one time, they all revel themselves in his mind quickly. 'Permission' 'Force' 'Violation' 'Suffering'. He cringes as the taste of her lips becomes bitter, his fingers curling against themselves and away from her to drop at his sides. He pulls away from her carefully, his one word rule flashing through his mind yet again, 'Control', before the rest of the words flood back in and turn into a blur again.
She whines softly and blindly searches after his lips, but he has slipped away from her. She opens her eyes to see him focused on her, his gaze filled with concern, her gaze back filled with confusion. She moves closer to him, hoping to resume the moment, but he leans back away from her.
"No" he whispers.
"What?" she replies, not understanding.
"You've never...we've never...what was that?" he closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"What was what?" she takes his free hand, and though he is still hesitant, he lets her.
"We only ever kiss. Never do we go further than that, I thought-"
"I'm sorry, I just-"
"No." he stops her the second he hears the apology, she shouldn't be apologizing.
"No, it's alright. I only thought, it stands to reason, we had an agreement..." he leaves off, running over every word that they had discussed previously.
Kissing. Kissing alone. Never more. She never wanted more. She was fragile, delicate, someone had taken advantage of her, and she never wanted to feel that way again. She despised the thought of it, it only filled her with fear. He knew this all too well, he repeated her words to himself countless nights over as he suppressed his urges. He didn't mind though, he loved her, and love was undefinable. It was a simple request even, he just had to remember the rule.
"You don't want..." she looked down and away from him.
"No, I..." he paused, thinking through his words cautiously. He took a deep breath.
"You've never expressed a want for anything more than what we have had."
"Well, yes, but things have changed, you've made me feel different and..." she looked up at him. His eyes were intent upon her, listening to every word she spoke with his entire being.
"And?" he prodded her on.
"I, I just want to make you happy" she finished, tracing her eyes up to meet his gaze.
He took her hands in his softly, watching himself as he delicately folded his fingers over hers, savoring her smooth warm skin with his fingertips. He looked back upon her.
"I am satisfied." He smiled, "You have no need to worry."
He focused on her pupils, staring into them, hoping to read the soul inside.
"Yes, but...are you really happy? I mean, I know what you want, I want to be able give it to you" she shivered.
He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and resting her head on his shoulder.
"You have no idea what I want" he smiled lightly at her naivety as the strain dispelled itself.
"Then tell me" she murmured and closed her eyes, relishing in his warmth.
"What I want is you safe and comfortable. You're not comfortable doing something, we don't do it." he explained, petting over her soft hair. His hand fell away as she lifted her head to look at him.
"But earlier, when I... tested things, you-"
"What I did is not important, I'm sorry, I forgot myself in that moment, I promise it will not happen again" he explained quickly.
"But did you enjoy it? I want to know." She looked him in the eye, practically begging for an answer. He closed his eyes and sighed.
"Yes," he admitted, "I enjoined it without thinking. But I know what the situation is. I can simply continue to keep small desires at bay with notions of you."
"So.." she leaned closer to him again, prepared to test what she thought.
"What you're saying is that you have dirty thoughts about me?" she left the words slip off her tongue dangerously close to shell of his ear, creeping her hand over his hip.
His eyes widened and cheeks filled themselves with colour as he felt the familiar rush run through his body. He caught her wrist quickly, freezing her hand in place, seeing the flash of fear through her eyes from being grabbed so suddenly. He immediately dropped her wrist at her side, mumbling apologizes thoughtlessly. He relaxed when he felt her close to him again, though he couldn't help blushing furiously.
"Answer the question" she murmured, her lips grazing his cheek gently.
The words flashed through his head in bold print 'Deliberate'. Being questioned at a time like this, he couldn't think, his mind scattered. He stuttered.
"Um, well, yes, you could say that, yes, I have imagined you and I in some willingly compromising situations, but I've never developed upon them as it would be an encroachment upon you." He spoke quickly, articulating every syllable, so that when he finished the silence burned in the air.
"You know," she smiled at him softly and ran her thumb over the back of his hand to calm him, "I can tell when you're nervous because you talk quickly, and use words big enough that I have to look them up to understand what you said".
She grinned, before continuing, "I understand though, and I think I agree".
"I love you" he smiled down at her gently.
"I love you too" she breathed and closed her eyes as he kissed her. He sighed content onto her lips before pulling back cautiously.
"I think we should wait on this decision, to be absolutely sure that it is what you want, and that you're completely ready. I don't want us to do anything that would make you uncomfortable." he spoke slower than before, putting thought and decision into his words.
"Alright then. I'll think about it." She said decidedly.
"We" he corrected, turning to look at her.
"Together, we do this together" he squeezed her hand and grinned.
fin.
His mind is constantly at work, the gears constantly turning, working, analyzing. There is never a break, he never stops processing, never stops evaluating every idea, every mark, every detail, every punctuation of the entire world he lives in. All the information is in the words, but they spin by so fast all he sees in his mind is a dim distorted image. It takes extreme concentration to keep track of this blur, but he can never allow himself to be exhausted. His entire mind is caught in this fog of thoughts.
That's why he can't get enough of her. That's why he likes these moments so much, and he is careful to cherish them when they come along. She makes his mind stall, his thoughts freeze. His entire being is always constant of feeling, but being with her makes him feel a sweet numbness. In these moments, he can barely pull the words into his mind, muster up the strength to think, which is why the words he sees when he is with her are so precise, so clear. He doesn't have to think about them, they are self explanatory, and so very important to him. They come in flashes, bold black text against the faded white background, but he can see the individual word standing strong and tall, and then it's gone. He cherishes these words too, because he knows that only she causes them.
He has her all to himself right now, he couldn't help but smile and lean in. 'Control', the blur slows as the first word flashes through his mind the second he presses his lips to hers. The most important word that he must remember, the one word, an unspoken rule, 'Control', and then it's gone. He can't get enough of this taste on her lips, it's something sweet and warm and addicting. 'Tempt', it's there, then gone again. She leans her body weight against him and he slides his hands lightly around her waist, enjoying her presence so close. 'Tension' his fingers twitch on the smooth material of her clothes, he breathes though his nose in the small space between them. 'Control' his rule appears again, as if to remind him, anxiety on the edge of spilling over. He relaxes though, when he feels her fingers slide through the hair at the nape of his neck, 'Exertion' runs through his mind quickly. He moves one hand to her shoulder and the other to her cheek, caressing the soft skin. She shifts her weight and adjusts her thigh over his hip. The pressure feels nice and he blushes. A small groan escapes from the back of his throat before the obvious hits him. She has never done this before. 'Control' there it is again, and the the anxiety that was oh so carefully balanced spills over.
Then he thinks of all the words that she must have associated with this at one time, they all revel themselves in his mind quickly. 'Permission' 'Force' 'Violation' 'Suffering'. He cringes as the taste of her lips becomes bitter, his fingers curling against themselves and away from her to drop at his sides. He pulls away from her carefully, his one word rule flashing through his mind yet again, 'Control', before the rest of the words flood back in and turn into a blur again.
She whines softly and blindly searches after his lips, but he has slipped away from her. She opens her eyes to see him focused on her, his gaze filled with concern, her gaze back filled with confusion. She moves closer to him, hoping to resume the moment, but he leans back away from her.
"No" he whispers.
"What?" she replies, not understanding.
"You've never...we've never...what was that?" he closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"What was what?" she takes his free hand, and though he is still hesitant, he lets her.
"We only ever kiss. Never do we go further than that, I thought-"
"I'm sorry, I just-"
"No." he stops her the second he hears the apology, she shouldn't be apologizing.
"No, it's alright. I only thought, it stands to reason, we had an agreement..." he leaves off, running over every word that they had discussed previously.
Kissing. Kissing alone. Never more. She never wanted more. She was fragile, delicate, someone had taken advantage of her, and she never wanted to feel that way again. She despised the thought of it, it only filled her with fear. He knew this all too well, he repeated her words to himself countless nights over as he suppressed his urges. He didn't mind though, he loved her, and love was undefinable. It was a simple request even, he just had to remember the rule.
"You don't want..." she looked down and away from him.
"No, I..." he paused, thinking through his words cautiously. He took a deep breath.
"You've never expressed a want for anything more than what we have had."
"Well, yes, but things have changed, you've made me feel different and..." she looked up at him. His eyes were intent upon her, listening to every word she spoke with his entire being.
"And?" he prodded her on.
"I, I just want to make you happy" she finished, tracing her eyes up to meet his gaze.
He took her hands in his softly, watching himself as he delicately folded his fingers over hers, savoring her smooth warm skin with his fingertips. He looked back upon her.
"I am satisfied." He smiled, "You have no need to worry."
He focused on her pupils, staring into them, hoping to read the soul inside.
"Yes, but...are you really happy? I mean, I know what you want, I want to be able give it to you" she shivered.
He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and resting her head on his shoulder.
"You have no idea what I want" he smiled lightly at her naivety as the strain dispelled itself.
"Then tell me" she murmured and closed her eyes, relishing in his warmth.
"What I want is you safe and comfortable. You're not comfortable doing something, we don't do it." he explained, petting over her soft hair. His hand fell away as she lifted her head to look at him.
"But earlier, when I... tested things, you-"
"What I did is not important, I'm sorry, I forgot myself in that moment, I promise it will not happen again" he explained quickly.
"But did you enjoy it? I want to know." She looked him in the eye, practically begging for an answer. He closed his eyes and sighed.
"Yes," he admitted, "I enjoined it without thinking. But I know what the situation is. I can simply continue to keep small desires at bay with notions of you."
"So.." she leaned closer to him again, prepared to test what she thought.
"What you're saying is that you have dirty thoughts about me?" she left the words slip off her tongue dangerously close to shell of his ear, creeping her hand over his hip.
His eyes widened and cheeks filled themselves with colour as he felt the familiar rush run through his body. He caught her wrist quickly, freezing her hand in place, seeing the flash of fear through her eyes from being grabbed so suddenly. He immediately dropped her wrist at her side, mumbling apologizes thoughtlessly. He relaxed when he felt her close to him again, though he couldn't help blushing furiously.
"Answer the question" she murmured, her lips grazing his cheek gently.
The words flashed through his head in bold print 'Deliberate'. Being questioned at a time like this, he couldn't think, his mind scattered. He stuttered.
"Um, well, yes, you could say that, yes, I have imagined you and I in some willingly compromising situations, but I've never developed upon them as it would be an encroachment upon you." He spoke quickly, articulating every syllable, so that when he finished the silence burned in the air.
"You know," she smiled at him softly and ran her thumb over the back of his hand to calm him, "I can tell when you're nervous because you talk quickly, and use words big enough that I have to look them up to understand what you said".
She grinned, before continuing, "I understand though, and I think I agree".
"I love you" he smiled down at her gently.
"I love you too" she breathed and closed her eyes as he kissed her. He sighed content onto her lips before pulling back cautiously.
"I think we should wait on this decision, to be absolutely sure that it is what you want, and that you're completely ready. I don't want us to do anything that would make you uncomfortable." he spoke slower than before, putting thought and decision into his words.
"Alright then. I'll think about it." She said decidedly.
"We" he corrected, turning to look at her.
"Together, we do this together" he squeezed her hand and grinned.
fin.
Published 18th Dec 2014
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