27 April 2011......

Tears stain the paper as I write this,
Fear grips my heart knowing  
you will never read these words.
I shouldn't have said I hated you,
I know now tht I should have told  
you that I loved you before I hung up.
Looking now at the tomb stone,
Tears burn my eyes with the words  
I wanted to say but never got the chance to.
I loved you even though  
you made me feel so unwanted,
Each passing year it hurt more and more.
The phone call I would wait for once a year  
knowing that once I picked up the phone  
heard your voice my sister  
would step in and get all the attention.
I knew I wold be ignored  
so everyone would look at her
I wasn't anything.
All I ever wanted to tell you was,
I love you Mommy.
Never got the chance  
and now I feel the pain of it,
I always said I would never be a model.
I swore I would do whatever  
I could to make you notice me.
I cut my hair,
Wore all black.
Never again will I wear Flannel  
the cloth you loved so much,
I hate smoked fish.
I stare at your tomb stone and wonder why.
Why did you leave me?
Why did you act like you didn't care?
I tried to do what you wanted  
to be your perfect daughter.
I tried but in the end you never noticed...
or did you?
my other sisters and brother seemed to  
have gotten more attention than I ever did
I felt like I had to strive to get noticed  
but I also feel like you forgot all about me.
I would get so angry with you for not careing,
I was so young when you said goodbye to me.
I wanted you to love me,
I wanted you to give a damn.
I was wrong to have wanted you all to myself,
But most of all I wanted to be held and cared for.
I wanted to be able to call you Mommy and be able to talk to you.
Now I want to beg you to forgive me and I want to hug you.
I love you mommy...