deepundergroundpoetry.com
karmic wheels over mere hollows
you bore them voracious
drained out sumptuous
silken ripened essence
from wide blossomed
tagetes inflorescence
arrowed upper
both sidewise
your cool predator eyes
overpowering mine
with deliberate blinks
like wings beating the air
pushing and pulling
chaotic splitting~intaking
wanton destruction
scavenging fear
with black vulture
screeches
from tympanic talons
ripping flesh
boneless
hardness often lashed
out whipped in deceptive
radars unreaching need spots
on the craving love abyss
that deepened in your mirages
when your listless unsealed lap
were meant to be a nestling abode
to this cocooned in compressed curl
and, my oceanic tears should have
torn your delicate aortic tenderness
you sat idly fiddling touchscreens
in fabric hardly seeped in wetness
which atmost caused not more than
arousals in senseless protruberance
cut now
cut the scene
all of them
bitterness of truth
can't live your lie
can't kill that too
which stands monstrous
from build up lusts in cancerous lumps
behind the elusivity in search, no where now?
hunting wheels of karma
rolls over leftover hollow
Published 6th Dec 2014
| Edited 8th Dec 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 8
reads 908
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
6th Dec 2014 3:08pm
The language is incredible and you keep the intensity through out the length of the poem, which can be difficult. One critique I could say is that the poem seems lost in the language.
7th Dec 2014 9:09am
Tq lott fr coming all the way here, am delighted by ur critique. Yes, i do know what u say by the poem lost in the lang. sure, will work on those aspects in more simplifying, but as Mr. Case pointed out down here, even if its hard for me to come out of lang n style, the air of spaces n talk of narrator being inserted would take the pressures away from a reader I hope.
Tq again n humbled by ur critique.:)
Tq again n humbled by ur critique.:)
6th Dec 2014 5:33pm
7th Dec 2014 2:08pm
Tq kindly Crim for the read n glad it was felt. U inspire by ur visits n words ever,<3 xx.
I think the best way to describe your poetry is that it's like the ominous clouds and rush of wind moments before the storm front hits. The imagery you conjure with your poetry is dark and devastatingly beautiful. I thought the rhymes in the opening stanza was cool way to hook the reader and set the pace for what followed.
I understand Matt's critique, your poems can be an overwhelming tempest at times, but I dig it, it's your style. I think you gave the reader some space after the 4th stanza, which was a sudden moment of composure and clarity for your narrator in your story. Perhaps experiment a little applying this same technique in future poems, giving the heavy downpour stanzas some air with a clear voice in between, like your own little clap of thunder silencing the storm of imagery.
My critique is for the description in the second stanza. Try to maintain continuity in the imagery. You started with describing foxy eyes, then vulturing with black owl screeches, finishing with teeth ripping flesh. If you wanted to create an image of a monster that's cool, but perhaps try to keep the imagery consistent with one type of beast, in order to not confuse the readers with little imagination. Here's a suggestion for the second stanza:
arrowed upper
both sidewise
your cool predator eyes
overpowering mine
with deliberate blinks
like wings beating the air
pushing and pulling
chaotic splitting~intaking
wanton destruction
scavenging fear
with black vulture
screeches
from tympanic talons
ripping flesh
boneless
Overall I totally dug your poem, the dark mood and chaotic imagery you created is great.
I understand Matt's critique, your poems can be an overwhelming tempest at times, but I dig it, it's your style. I think you gave the reader some space after the 4th stanza, which was a sudden moment of composure and clarity for your narrator in your story. Perhaps experiment a little applying this same technique in future poems, giving the heavy downpour stanzas some air with a clear voice in between, like your own little clap of thunder silencing the storm of imagery.
My critique is for the description in the second stanza. Try to maintain continuity in the imagery. You started with describing foxy eyes, then vulturing with black owl screeches, finishing with teeth ripping flesh. If you wanted to create an image of a monster that's cool, but perhaps try to keep the imagery consistent with one type of beast, in order to not confuse the readers with little imagination. Here's a suggestion for the second stanza:
arrowed upper
both sidewise
your cool predator eyes
overpowering mine
with deliberate blinks
like wings beating the air
pushing and pulling
chaotic splitting~intaking
wanton destruction
scavenging fear
with black vulture
screeches
from tympanic talons
ripping flesh
boneless
Overall I totally dug your poem, the dark mood and chaotic imagery you created is great.
Case, hardcore poet as I say ever, u made my day! The best detailed critique I had ever received so far at du, that too coming frm my adored poet n fine frnd, it feels grt..n am totally buying ur points on the second stanza. Ur line of modifications looks improvised n best fits the flow too. I might take up ur construction as such to no wonder,tq fr the effort der. I am glad u dig this poem n the theme n more. Feels am on the ryt way of poetic progress from ur wise suggestions n a pat:) tq tonn n hope my worthy words would attract u more fr interactions to come.
Uma.
Uma.
15th Dec 2014 1:04pm
Why aren't you directing movies? I'll add this once I clear my reading list. Wow. Thank you for delivering this, Uma.
18th Dec 2014 4:06pm
LL..tq fr some greatest feedbacks n constant support. Am humbled as evr..n hmmm direction, bit flattering, though would love to venture;)
